I have never been the best source for advice on anger management.
As a matter of fact, I am fucking seething with anger as I write this.
I can't offer advice because I haven't found all the answers yet... More like none of them. But I get it. I have so much that I just swallow down and extinguish on my own, but it never gets easier. It never burns less. I get this feeling like I either want to smash everything in my room, kill somebody, or rip off my skin so I can stop "being me". I get so mad. So horribly mad, sometimes. And I just ache for outlets and ways to just finally stand up for myself and really dig into somebody else the way others do. Somehow it's okay when others do it and they're applauded for standing up for themselves. They're heroes, independent individuals, brave, self-aware or know their value. But when I do it, I'm speaking out of turn/cold/harsh and next thing I know I'm the one apologizing again and that shit burns me. Everybody's emotions are more valid than my own and I let the whole world convince me that same thing daily. To the point that I have started to believe it... That's some shit. I always crack and default to just swallowing that anger all over again. I don't even like thinking about anger because it all starts to flow back into me. I am a forgiving, understanding person who is quick to let go of the hurts people cause, but somehow the emotions that follow the incident get detached and get left behind. To the point where often times, I don't even fully know why I feel the way that I do... It's like the emotional equivalent of when you stare at something for so long that your eyes start to lose focus.
But here's the kicker-- as soon as I release any bit of that pressure valve on the person who more than deserves my brutally honest words, I feel horrible. Like I'm exactly the monster people say I am. I hate that I showed that part of me, and that now other people know it too. And then I feel like the only way I can redeem myself is to apologize and hope I haven't tarnished the reputation I've built or the person that I choose to be. It's the most conflicting feeling of wanting to (while remaining on topic and being humane) truly bite into somebody, as much as they deserve it, but also not feel terrible that you just did it.
Takes all of two seconds to see the self-fulfilling prophecy I have made.
Believe me, I do all the youtube videos, the therapy, the exercising, art, taking a walk, all of it. And the thing that has had the biggest affect on me, somehow, as repulsive as it feels in those moments, is to serve others. Pick your mother up, sit her down in her room with a snack, and clean the house. Tell your dad to stop the lawnmower, take over, and spend hours doing a beautiful job. Or just ask him about his day for Christ's sake. Buy your brother or sister lunch just because you can. Volunteer somewhere, pop in your headphones, and work tirelessly at whatever service you are to provide. Bottom line- serve somebody else. That is the only thing that has ever truly extinguished any anger.
God, I know full well that you teach via experiences, and you give through lessons over time. I prayed vehemently for grace and understanding in my heart, so you brought me into the heat and forged that out of me. Carved it into the metal. While in the oven, I grew strength and acquired, with intention, that grace and patience. But now, in these last couple of months, you have taught me the other side of that lesson-- not to expect any of it in return. There is no meal voucher that I will receive for having reached a point of being more forgiving or gracious. Nothing that I can show to the cashier or another customer and expect them to honor. It has no value (to them). It's like a text invitation to a hangout that nobody wants to go to. To them it is just drivel, and they'll be damned if they let someone get away with serving them lukewarm soup, or take up space in their inbox.
As mad as I am right now... Even in this moment I still have to be critical of myself (something few people do) and note that I need to remind myself that those lessons were for me... And nobody else.
And that's a damn good thing.
God, I know full well that you teach via experiences, and you give through lessons over time. I prayed vehemently for grace and understanding in my heart, so you brought me into the heat and forged that out of me. Carved it into the metal. While in the oven, I grew strength and acquired, with intention, that grace and patience. But now, in these last couple of months, you have taught me the other side of that lesson-- not to expect any of it in return. There is no meal voucher that I will receive for having reached a point of being more forgiving or gracious. Nothing that I can show to the cashier or another customer and expect them to honor. It has no value (to them). It's like a text invitation to a hangout that nobody wants to go to. To them it is just drivel, and they'll be damned if they let someone get away with serving them lukewarm soup, or take up space in their inbox.
As mad as I am right now... Even in this moment I still have to be critical of myself (something few people do) and note that I need to remind myself that those lessons were for me... And nobody else.
And that's a damn good thing.
It’s a painful and beautiful lesson to learn. There is no justice for the man who turns the other cheek. His enemy may very well go off unharmed and empowered by their perceived innocence and empowerment. The man who turned their cheek may be persecuted, degraded and suffer greatly from his grace on others.
ReplyDeleteBut this is the beauty- justice is not ours to serve and for many it will not come in this lifetime. But God knows your heart and your love of others and your reward will not be seeing your enemies fall, but His grace and mercy on your own sins.
As for your enemies, God loves them too. So much. And where He has allowed them to think poorly of you and highly of themselves. They will learn. Whether it be i this lifetime or not. They will see.
The hardest thing is leaving this to God. Turning the other cheek knowing that you have been scorned for being righteous. It’s so painful and can be so unsatisfying.... until you remember Jesus. The sacrifice he made, just to be scorned and taken for granted in every possible way. And yet still He loves us, and shows us mercy and the best thank you we can possibly give Him is extending this grace to our undeserving enemies and neighbors alike.
You are a good man and a good Christian, Jon. I know these things are incredibly painful and frustrating, but you are SO good and you will be so blessed for following the example of Christ in these situations and taking them as an opportunity to serve.