I spent a lot of time tossing in my sheets quietly thinking this morning. So I started replying to various messages I'd let sit and age in my phone but found no stimulation from it. I turned to reading through a journal I share with my SO and on the opposite end of the gamete, it was too stimulating and now I'm back to square one, thinking a million things at once. And now I'm writing this.
Today is one of those days that I feel like there are a million things I should be doing but couldn't put a finger to any one of them to say what the thing is.
I was never able to stomach casual make-outs with random folks at social gatherings or via some haphazard pursuit of the cute girl from science class. And even now it troubles me ever so slightly. Yes, duh I know to some people it makes me virtuous or something like that but I don't quite think it counts because it was never virtue that I had in mind. I just had zero confidence and knew that if in the off-chance my play for a girl's hand works out, my heart will latch onto her and want to make something out of nothing to make it all feel valuable. Does that make my love life sort of dull? No- in fact it becomes sort of funny. Funny in a The Office kind of way. Awkward and hardly tolerable, but you like the characters and chumminess so you continue to watch. Because then you're left to question- "well then, how did you ever date at all?" The answer for a majority of my life was that I simply didn't, but for the later years, it boils down to beginners luck. Even a broken clock is right two times a day. When the day finally came that I wanted to chase girls while girls chase boys like a real youngster, I'd had too many long nights and quiet mornings lost in thought to hold conversation that would make them want to kiss me. I just couldn't sit through the small talk because all the dumb games, flashing-light dances and flirtations were curtailing the fact that we both knew what was going to happen, I could see the attraction in her eye and she could see the green in mine. Yet we still wasted time talking to build up the kiss that she hoped would happen in a bathroom or dark corner somewhere-- but by then I was already gone. For a period of time I even hated this part of me. But I've come to terms with it. There are just some worldly things I will never get a swing at because of the path I've walked and life I've lived and that's okay. I've experienced love and some never will. I think it's more than a fair trade.
So I guess I'm sorry, friend's sister, for wasting your time and practiced advances and taking your attention from guys who would've capitalized on you dancing in your toga. And from you, older sorority girl, who I let spit game at me but never took the time to tell you who I am and why it won't work for you or any of your entourage. Not like this anyway, that goes for you too alpha phi woman and AOPi girl. I'm sorry latin girl at the international party, I just like to dance and I never meant to lead you on... Or any of these girls and others. I never meant to lead any of you on. I used you to try and further understand myself and it was wrong. [Edit 7/10/16: no it definitely wasn't]
But let's be real, none of them thought anything of it for any longer than a second yet here I am pondering and apologizing as if any of it matters-- this is exactly why I could never do casual make outs though believe me at times I wished I could! People have told me occasionally that it's respectable. I think they're just pronouncing the word "boring" wrong. I kid, I kid!
There are some thrills I will never know, and some that are sure to come within my near future but I am done wishing for a different heart or conscience when it's brought me nothing but joy and a beautiful girlfriend who'd slay a dragon with a plastic spoon if it meant she'd get to give me one more kiss before I catch a flight.
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