Bright eyed and sunshine tucked up into every pocket and sleeve, the red Oklahoma clay drifted some feet below me as I navigated my way through rigorous pre-season workouts and orientation classes. I really didn't know what to expect or if any of the puff-of-smoke thoughts were valid, but I ran along hurdling toward the clear-sky future I felt ahead.
Quickly the grasses died and I found my headphones and backpack straps snagging onto anything and everything possible. Heavy, 21 hour course loads, alongside constant away games, stadium-seat install days, endless homework, and the beckoning of the demons choked down into the side corridors of my stomach began to resonate far too loud. At first sinking fangs into my heel and letting the venom pulse up toward the nexus, the images were at first negligible and then all at once unbearable. It was infuriating how weak I felt. And I know it sounds weird to say it that way, but that is the only way I can truly express the feeling. I hated how weak and vulnerable I felt to let this old chain continue to clang (and almost loud enough for others to hear), and so whenever it made a sound I punished myself for it.
As the heat of day began to find its peaks lower and lower, I found my warmth elsewhere-- in the heart of another and stronger still in The Word. Where the decrepit rope bridges that linked my heart and thoughts used to house gaps I instead found strong new planks with evergreen mothers. Yes, I will not deny that I found myself in the lowest of lows during this time, this is no secret. But it is here, in this brief blip of my existence that I found the greatest, most lasting, unconditional joy.
I saw love all around me...
So I shared love
And found love
If you took a biopsy of my past year...
It would look like one rainy night in March my friend Victoria and I shared.
Singing and dancing in our underwear
Splashing
Daydreaming life's wonders while rain fell confusedly onto exposed warm teeth
Quickly the grasses died and I found my headphones and backpack straps snagging onto anything and everything possible. Heavy, 21 hour course loads, alongside constant away games, stadium-seat install days, endless homework, and the beckoning of the demons choked down into the side corridors of my stomach began to resonate far too loud. At first sinking fangs into my heel and letting the venom pulse up toward the nexus, the images were at first negligible and then all at once unbearable. It was infuriating how weak I felt. And I know it sounds weird to say it that way, but that is the only way I can truly express the feeling. I hated how weak and vulnerable I felt to let this old chain continue to clang (and almost loud enough for others to hear), and so whenever it made a sound I punished myself for it.
As the heat of day began to find its peaks lower and lower, I found my warmth elsewhere-- in the heart of another and stronger still in The Word. Where the decrepit rope bridges that linked my heart and thoughts used to house gaps I instead found strong new planks with evergreen mothers. Yes, I will not deny that I found myself in the lowest of lows during this time, this is no secret. But it is here, in this brief blip of my existence that I found the greatest, most lasting, unconditional joy.
I saw love all around me...
So I shared love
And found love
If you took a biopsy of my past year...
It would look like one rainy night in March my friend Victoria and I shared.
Singing and dancing in our underwear
Splashing
Daydreaming life's wonders while rain fell confusedly onto exposed warm teeth
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