I ran out of things to feel today. Every part of me I could employ save pensiveness found a desk and station to work at with tasks that seemed to run in circles. Overwhelmed is a good word to describe it. Many thoughts and few emotional enzymes to help break them down. In the last few days I had a conversation almost too brutally honest in the wake of frilly kind letters, a friend dump her love woes onto my doorstep, found out about a SO's old vice rearing its misleading face, and an impending divorce at the hands of my mothers lack of good-faith. I know none of them intended for this to happen, and I don't know what it is about me that demands honesty in its most brutal capacities. And pensiveness was left to chew on each til the plate was clean.
I was very confused today.
People want to be young and free and party and have random fun encounters with hot strangers and go out and find true love and be in love from the start like sweethearts whose love spans decades only because centuries are not possible. Everybody wants to be in a new world and free and loved and connected and adventurous and secure and excited and comfortable ALL AT THE SAME TIME. But they're missing something... It simply isn't possible.They're contradictory and converge at a crossroads with opposite trajectories. I wish people could just see that when you decide you fear commitment or "settling down too early" and you go out and party etc. all the time hoping that through some miracle one hook-up ends with a ring, you neglect the concept that it can never happen if you're always looking elsewhere.
What is it about a relationship, or the depiction we've painted of it that makes people think that loving somebody is a trapping thing? That relationships do not set you free or break chains but instead tie you down? Why can't people feel free in relationships?
Why am I the only one that does, and who is wrong?
I don't understand this. And I know it's in part because I can't and never will due to fundamental differences in how I am wired, but I just don't understand this. I found within a minute when I was talking to my mother tonight about life things, that I started yelling and felt emotions swelling. Frustration was a big contender. Why is it that I spent all those years, moments, nights articulating concepts and life. Why did I pass up on all these normal, human experiences like smoking a cigarette like a dingus with an old friend after sneaking into a park. Or getting too drunk the first time I had a drink and spitting it up with friends all around. Maybe even hitting on the upperclassmen or using fakes to get into places and being thrown out. All these nights happened to others all around me in oddly beautiful ways and in my own life these moments are instead headphone-and-drawstring-bag bike rides or walks in to quiet night. Instead of making memories with friends I was dredging up old secrets I forgot I had and dissecting them. And while in and of itself it isn't a bad thing, it was nothing that needed to be rushed. It wasn't on a schedule where as my time in high school was, and yet it's what I busied myself with. I don't regret it, but I don't always feel it was the right choice. Yes it made me stupidly mature (being honest) and a little too cynical by age 15, and made conversation with most of my colleagues slightly unbearable by age 18 because nobody was on that plane of self-awareness with me, but what good did it really do? Maybe I was a little more capable of articulate thought about who I am and how I feel. Sure it might've helped people here and there when they needed me in trying times, but I don't think I necessarily needed to spend all those nights alone to be able to offer people little tid bits of advice that they quite honestly don't care about and already know. Based on who I've always been, it may very well have all been fine anyway. Yet I have less adventure, less spark and less fire to show for it. Complaining is stupid and I'm surely not doing that, but I'm just having a hard time seeing in the grand scheme of things the relevance of the choices I made. Being wise and being happy do not equate, that much is biblical. I used to knock the simpler, more fun trek but now I see its merit. Doesn't mean I agree with it (I know that seems contradictory but think about it). I just get it. For the most part.
I know I'm no champion, or poster child for all things holy. I make mistakes, and I've paid more than my end of the deal on serving my fellow man through sacrifice (and then some). I've given up a lot for those around me. It's not bragging, it's true. I've had many chances to give myself legs up and over others and always passed them up or on to others. I've choked away many emotions and hoofed through some long days without anyone to catch me and never been spiteful for it. I don't always like myself, but me being a good guy has empirical evidence. And yet people treat me like I'm just another joe from the street not knowing all that I give up and do for them and I let them. It's clear I'm still trying to figure me out.
I know I'm no champion, or poster child for all things holy. I make mistakes, and I've paid more than my end of the deal on serving my fellow man through sacrifice (and then some). I've given up a lot for those around me. It's not bragging, it's true. I've had many chances to give myself legs up and over others and always passed them up or on to others. I've choked away many emotions and hoofed through some long days without anyone to catch me and never been spiteful for it. I don't always like myself, but me being a good guy has empirical evidence. And yet people treat me like I'm just another joe from the street not knowing all that I give up and do for them and I let them. It's clear I'm still trying to figure me out.
I've reached a place where my father's simple mantra finally holds water
"It's good today"
Understand that this is to be thought about with jobs, kids, loves, friends... It may not be good all the time. Might not be good forever, or yesterday. But it was "good today". So okay. Let the days add up and count. Make fluid plans for the future knowing that forcing your days currently to align with them makes life complicated, and drift on through. '
I can't tell if these thoughts are cohesive or not but I'm too tired to check.
Understand that this is to be thought about with jobs, kids, loves, friends... It may not be good all the time. Might not be good forever, or yesterday. But it was "good today". So okay. Let the days add up and count. Make fluid plans for the future knowing that forcing your days currently to align with them makes life complicated, and drift on through. '
I can't tell if these thoughts are cohesive or not but I'm too tired to check.
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