Eyes teetered open this morning. My mother and brother paced about horizontally, walking up and down the dark wood wall and casting humored glances at me until I hoisted myself to an upright position, the world once again set back on its feet.
I couldn't feel all too much today either. Not in the former, very troubling way that caused damage. The ones where I would feel empty and go down swinging at any and every shadow until I realized I was the only one fighting and the only one losing. No, this morning was much more calculated. I woke to vivid thought and processing I didn't realize I'd started.
My brother and I were sent on a food run for lunch and it was not met with the usual excitement, but spending time with my brother on the road became a rewarding experience. He got me smiling quite a bit and conversation was so easy.
The rest of the day rolled on lazily. I split my attention trifold with a TV going, videogames on my laptop chugging along and my phone in my lap. It was very nice to talk to my girlfriend today though for some reason I felt the slightest feeling that I shouldn't have been. I'm never sure where those notions come from but I've learned at the reception of her smiles and softness of her eyes that they're to be ignored.
You know how the other day when I spoke with my mother and she said all that terrible stuff about her own lack of a marriage? I accidentally mentioned that on the other hand she may be surprised how my dad feels about her if she only just asked. Or spoke to him like he was a person again. Not scary or full of history, but human and trying as hard as he can.
Well today she brought up that little slip again and insisted I tell her what I meant. I decided telling her outright would've stepped on the point and goal of mentioning it at all (if there really is one) so I didn't. Instead I attempted to redact my past statements and told her to just speak to my dad like the person he is and deserves to be. I guess it was supposed to be kindling thrown into a fire that has been smoldering for far too long, embers lukewarm and encased in ash. But she just simply said no...
Why not? It's nothing but good things and could only help, I said.
Because I'm not interested, she said.
I told my girlfriend goodbye and burrowed inward. I felt such an urge to grab my mother by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. Or maybe slap her. Or just run.
She asked me to accompany her on some errands directly after, and as soon as I got back I grabbed my keys and slammed the door clean through the middle of her asking me where I was going. But I couldn't let the feeling sit and do that to her for some reason... So I went back in, apologized, explained my plans to maybe watch the championship game with a friend, and left. It's become clear to me that in many ways I baby my mother and need to stop.
It is troubling that I felt guilty about being upset. That's a can of worms I've been looking into since this afternoon.
Being with my friend and her family was everything I needed it to be. They fed me more than my stomach could hold and deepened laugh lines I forgot I had. I don't really care that the Cavs won. I'm glad a man got to make a big promise and fulfill it tonight (LeBron). That's something very important to me.
Once the game ended I took to the streets and prayed my heart out until I was ready to come home. I felt more in love, and more thankful, and more sorrowful but bittersweet all at once for everything that my heart currently holds but I am happy.
Scrambling, and calculating, and confused sure- the circumstances around me sure would love to convince me that the lovers are losing these days- but I'm holding to my resolve.
Final note: I will never let my love for someone or something ever get to that point that the recipient of my love could hate me so much that I have no value.
I don't deserve any of that. I have given up too many of my nights and days to others pouring out my heart into cracked vessels hoping just enough of it catches that the soil moistens and life abounds. I have thrown myself in front of too many buses, jumped on countless grenades, squeaked out of too many hard places, and shouldered too many yokes to deserve anything less than an unconditional love. I don't think I'm the best person or most profound soul, but I've worked my ass off to cover the chasms in my soul between who I am and who I could be for years for the sole purpose of giving more of myself to those around me and it only seems fair. I redact my last post. I gave up nights of partying and living life for myself to live my life serving others and I am a fool to think even for a second that any of that was a waste.
And I'll be damned if I get stuck with somebody who cannot pick me up after all my self-appointed quests and suicide missions and lay my dry eyes to sleep and love me for it. Because when I'm done toiling and running on empty I need somebody to refill my cup and tell me everything will be okay too.
I think.. no I know I deserve that much.
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