Talking to KP was, as I said, very good for me. I had to run off mid meeting to talk to her, but it was well worth it. Growing up knowing I had issues long before realizing why, I had always been brushed by my parents into fearing the counseling/psychiatry system. I've always been scared that I would go and find that I love the sessions, but before long I would get to comfortable and once the truly deep parts of me start surfacing, I would find myself at the tight end of a corridor with two large doctor's assistants and a doctor in full dress flicking a syringe staring me down with no where to go.
To be more direct, I was (and still slightly am) afraid that despite being an adult, they would run to my parents with the things that they discover and try to load me down with medication after medication, not to mention put it "in my file" and ruin any chances I ever had at leading a successful life.
There is also a part of me that is scared mindless that I'm not doing quite as well in my recovery as I think I am. Because after all I lost control on that day all those years ago (and as KP agreed) and ever since, that sense of control has been something I have lacked and dearly missed. I found lots of identity in that part of myself, and have found that despite all my efforts and how long it worked, it's all for loss now. It has run it's course like a spare wheel-- it worked just like any other coping system, but it was never meant to last and I see that now.
But KP did a great job in diffusing both of those. Foreign to my knowledge, or I guess recognition, now that I'm of age a doctor simply cannot do that. Now of course if I'm absolutely insane and a danger to society that is something else entirely, but if I tell them of some of my "really bad days", they do not have permission (unless I give it to them) to disclose anything to anyone. Moreover, about my healing, she feels that in many ways, I am actually impressing her. From her experience and who she has spoken to with similar if not identical stories, the process of reaching out and accepting the event at all typically took many more months before ever coming to fruition. I have a long way to go, but "the hardest part is behind [me]".
Just as important as all that, she also made it very very clear that it is totally okay to accept that I am not okay and "fixing it" does not have to be something that is done tomorrow... or next week... or even next month. I just need to understand that it is something I will inevitably have to face. We both agreed that now would probably be best anyway, but it was comforting to hear that from her considering she had been through much the same and recently as well.
As for my obsession with punishing myself, she didn't quite know what to say other than a trained professional will be more than capable of leading me to the answers I seek so long as I commit to the sessions. I am to contact her in a few weeks with updates on my status and any thoughts or concerns I have with the process.
It was nice to be able to tell her about these dark parts of myself and not feel like I'm weighing her down like a rock she is chained to by morality. Nor did I ever feel stupid for airing out my thoughts because they didn't make sense or something. She didn't even try and fire back at each thing I said with answers or advice-- because she knew full well that when I said these things I wasn't expecting her to fix me. I just wanted her to try to understand, and understand she did (to the best of her ability).
The church called back and left me a voice mail about counseling. But I think I may go for a third party, completely unconnected counselor/therapist so that nothing can hinder their judgment (seeing me at services, hearing about me through others at the church...). I am to contact and set up an appointment with a university counselor tomorrow.
To be more direct, I was (and still slightly am) afraid that despite being an adult, they would run to my parents with the things that they discover and try to load me down with medication after medication, not to mention put it "in my file" and ruin any chances I ever had at leading a successful life.
There is also a part of me that is scared mindless that I'm not doing quite as well in my recovery as I think I am. Because after all I lost control on that day all those years ago (and as KP agreed) and ever since, that sense of control has been something I have lacked and dearly missed. I found lots of identity in that part of myself, and have found that despite all my efforts and how long it worked, it's all for loss now. It has run it's course like a spare wheel-- it worked just like any other coping system, but it was never meant to last and I see that now.
But KP did a great job in diffusing both of those. Foreign to my knowledge, or I guess recognition, now that I'm of age a doctor simply cannot do that. Now of course if I'm absolutely insane and a danger to society that is something else entirely, but if I tell them of some of my "really bad days", they do not have permission (unless I give it to them) to disclose anything to anyone. Moreover, about my healing, she feels that in many ways, I am actually impressing her. From her experience and who she has spoken to with similar if not identical stories, the process of reaching out and accepting the event at all typically took many more months before ever coming to fruition. I have a long way to go, but "the hardest part is behind [me]".
Just as important as all that, she also made it very very clear that it is totally okay to accept that I am not okay and "fixing it" does not have to be something that is done tomorrow... or next week... or even next month. I just need to understand that it is something I will inevitably have to face. We both agreed that now would probably be best anyway, but it was comforting to hear that from her considering she had been through much the same and recently as well.
As for my obsession with punishing myself, she didn't quite know what to say other than a trained professional will be more than capable of leading me to the answers I seek so long as I commit to the sessions. I am to contact her in a few weeks with updates on my status and any thoughts or concerns I have with the process.
It was nice to be able to tell her about these dark parts of myself and not feel like I'm weighing her down like a rock she is chained to by morality. Nor did I ever feel stupid for airing out my thoughts because they didn't make sense or something. She didn't even try and fire back at each thing I said with answers or advice-- because she knew full well that when I said these things I wasn't expecting her to fix me. I just wanted her to try to understand, and understand she did (to the best of her ability).
The church called back and left me a voice mail about counseling. But I think I may go for a third party, completely unconnected counselor/therapist so that nothing can hinder their judgment (seeing me at services, hearing about me through others at the church...). I am to contact and set up an appointment with a university counselor tomorrow.
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