But for real though, these people seem to think I need somebody. And it's at my own expense that they try and set me up- which pisses me off a whole lot though I don't make a big deal out of it. The other day, a friend would not stop asking if I thought this girl sitting a few tables over in the cafeteria was attractive. Now, being that she was, I obviously said yes, though knowing my audience I should've just been cryptic with my answer. Because with that, they tried to force me to go talk to her. Through it all, they're lucky one left and talked to her in my stead 7th grade style because if one of them kept their attention on me and called me "pussy" one more time I was genuinely going to snap and stab a fork clean through his hand. The offense was tri- fold, not only did they try and force me to do something for their own entertainment, they also called me "pussy" which is beyond irritating for anyone who is modern with social equality etc, but they also embarrassed me beyond repair in talking to her for me. Yes she thought I was attractive also, and wanted to know my name. But now I can't get past how much trouble it caused me having seen her that day, and I get mad every time I see her. Now I just refuse to begin relations with her.
A few days later, with a slightly different bunch, I was once again in the caf and happened to notice a girl I'd seen around quite often. And once again, I made the mistake of saying anything about it. This girl and I, we live in the same building, and without fail we would make awkward eye-contacts almost every single day for the first month I lived here- in the cafeteria, in the stairwell, walking to the library late at night, between classes, you name it. She was pretty. Tall, athletic, with long curly dusk-red hair and sky blue eyes, pale. But I of course had no intention of pursuing her. But these social, carnal simpletons refused to believe the simplicity with which I live my life, or the detachment I express. So of course being that I'm stupidly honest, at their constant questioning I disclosed who it was in the caf I was referring to, pointing her out. And what do they do? They call her over, after calling me "pussy" for not going and talking to her where she sat, and introduce me to her without letting me speak for myself ( which is growing to be my largest pet peeve ). Once again I was met with an awkward situation at my own cost, because quite honestly it will take a bit of work before this girl will ever take me seriously in the off chance that I do decide I want to get to know her, and once again I'm misunderstood in the aims of my day-to-day existence. Sure this really isn't a big deal, I don't really care. The girl is one of thousands on this campus, I can of course look elsewhere. I just hate that others are trying to do that search for me, as if it's anyone's life but their own that they should micromanage. And with that...
As terrible as it is, I've sort of been saying dark, brutally honest things to those around me and it's a good thing they think I'm just being funny because otherwise it would make for really awkward interactions for the days that follow them. I mean, just the other night when people were being overly competitive and annoying about the absolute dumbest things, I said calmly and clearly
"I don't need any of you in my life. All of you are replaceable."
Now, this isn't 100% true, but it is true enough that one would hesitate to say it. Because with those kinds of statements you can usually hear the weight of their words in the delivery of how it's said. Or the way the eyes behind the words lock stone cold onto someone or something. But I guess my audience glazed clean over that. Jumped straight for the explanation that I was just kidding and "being angsty again". And I think it's probably better that way. For now. I have an odd feeling this will come back to bite me later into the development of this friendship.
Another time, I said this-
"My life was just fine before you all stepped into it, and I'll be just fine after you leave it..."
...as of now. I'll be fine when they leave my life as of right now. Because even with all the time we spend together, they've got a long way to go before they could ever even entertain the idea of being the caliber of friend I already have in the people I've had to create distance with in moving to college. They've got to up their game before I start to truly let all the walls down and fully express myself with them. And on my end, I'll do my best to give them a chance. See them for what they are and will surely never be, and accept it ( which isn't hard, just must be done actively ).
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