Inadequacy

 There are a lot of gaps that have developed in my life. There was never a moment that I could point to and say "oh this was it." I didn't grow up feeling supported emotionally, sure, but my parents were wonderful. I believe in radical forgiveness and the reality of ignorance. Parents are allowed to be human. It's hard to put out a fire that you can't see. Being compared to others is a common thing when you have siblings, and so it goes. 

I was always very aware of how different I felt in all areas. Only age has allowed me to round the corner and see that different isn't always synonymous with bad; it's simply that- different. Of course before the nuance, as most children do, I acted out. I pushed back against walls and did anything I could to take the alienation and smother it with my bare hands. 

The hardest thing about it is that the reasons are never finite. There's no telling what it is and at what time because ultimately I'm predisposed to feel this way. As a wise woman once said, "environment loaded the gun and circumstance pulled the trigger." I was the kid that got spanked regularly whether my fault or not. I spoke out when I felt wronged, and my default emotion was anger. I was compared to my brothers and their strengths constantly, never going a day without being reminded about something else I fall short of. 

So I just pushed and pushed and pushed. I worked doggedly, suffering at long length to become: interesting, witty, knowledgeable, approachable, open, capable, eloquent, all of it in order to be enough. This thing that brings me so much pain is also the thing that has made me more than half of who I am. It splits off and trickles into every facet of my being. Whether all of the toil forced a crack large enough that it became a depression (or the other way around) is a bit like the chicken versus the egg. What matters is the end result- the confused 24 year old constantly juggling lifestyle changes. Trying his best to be everything for those he cares about and slowly, painstakingly, learning to accept when he can't do it all. More like pulling teeth than ripping Band-Aids. 

I don't know how to rectify all of it. I for damn sure don't have all the answers. But I will find out some day. And I'll be sure to let you know when I do.