Fireside Talks with a Sad Boi

I have, unfortunately, harmed myself twice while out here in SK. It's not exactly my plan to up that score to three, but I'm not a fortunetelling [stereotypical] gypsie. At least not for that reason. The nomadic part is pretty accurate though (expat life). I think my depression is getting worse as I’m finally aware of it. I wish it were a copout but it’s not. I read somewhere that people can feel generally happy / “alright” at a base level without any inspiration. Which sounded obvious to me, but then I thought about it and realized I have fallen short of that for quite some time. Depression was then likened to  feeling a base level of sad and having to use reminders or seek “reasons” to be happy. Even when blessings come, I feel guilty and not overjoyed. That was the 1:25 PM reminder that yes; I’m not just being dramatic or playing the victim. This junk is real. What a buzzkill.

I find myself thinking about dying all the time. The thought of just being numb to everything and being away sounds so appealing. But in no capacity do I plan to act on it. Not even a little. It’s somehow laughable to me, like “woah there big guy, you’ve got the wrong dude” when the call of the void spam calls my phone. I don’t see knives lying around and think “hmmm.. I should eat that”. It’s purely emotional and locked away in this part of my brain that groups it with all the other crazy talk—like dreams where I’m a chicken feeding little humans or the one time I actually started to believe a couple of conspiracy theories. I’ve been drinking too much and now that I’m aware of that, will handle it. And of course losing the woman I planned to marry doesn’t help with that. Been going to the gym more as well, but eh. Probably not enough to offset the drinking if I’m being honest. Love takes a toll, and so it goes.

More than anything I didn’t want to have to make the call even though I knew, just based on life experience and the situations as they play out, that I always would. I don’t take that lightly. There’s gotta be a reason God puts me in situation to make these choices that I do. Oh Lord do I wish you could sit me down and help me understand. Or make valium an over the counter, non-addictive medication.

From the moment my phone alarm sounded for shift change, dreamland happy Jon was bolting at minute 59 and out the door. Daily life Jon was back into the driver’s seat. For some reason when I picture my soul, it’s a scruffy old trucker who swears that he’s different, but really isn’t. He read one too many philosophy books while waiting for his Doctor G visits and all of a sudden he’s the second coming of Nietzsche. I… He… We, have been looking forward to the moment we plop hard onto the shower floor and drink whiskey through the clouds of steam. Nothing else really sounds worthwhile. Doctor says he should slow it down.

"Maybe tomorrow".

Anywho,

I think it will be a good while before I can truly enjoy anything, but I’m ready and willing to try. I mean, what other options do I have? It’ll be alright. I got a haircut, my fitness is returning to past glory and just the other day I ate like the king of England minus any of the responsibility.  

Life is life
God is God
And I'm still me