I feel so lethargic it almost feels taxing to even write this out. The shady tree has been billowing today. I feel an urge to cry for no reason... and for some reason writing that felt like tears were coming up to plug my throat. I was really good to my students today. This morning I got more sleep than I've gotten in days as well as ample time to listen to music before work and still am absolutely beat. I'll experiment with how to correct this phenomenon as well. I didn't hear the call from the macabre and intrusive today. But I do feel like a husk. I prayed a bit ago for God to just use me however he sees fit and that was all. Nothing else seemed pertinent. The lung situation is weird-- I think I just got to get my routine back and they will be back to normal. But they feel so heavy. Or maybe they're just cold because I spend my work hours doing my best to avoid speaking more than necessary and silent through the rest of it. Like they never fully woke up.
I accidentally left my depressed droning behind when switching classes and another teacher saw. I came by to grab them as soon as I noticed them missing, but 30 minutes had passed by then. If she read any of it I'll probably quit on the spot if she mentions it.
I've been getting really cold at work lately. Odd. Think I'm getting sick, like maybe it's something psychosomatic.
I had a wonderful dream this morning but I can't remember what it was. I miss it. Sometimes the most calming thing to me is feeling like I'm sitting on the ocean floor or maybe the bottom of a pool; the reflection of waves and twisting nets of lives yellow and white while writhing around me. That short lapse in attention which brought me knocking on heaven's door as a child now wraps me like a blanket when my day to day becomes hectic. I've made a home out of the hollow place that it created. I think that's cause for celebration.
The only music that doesn't sound like nails against a chalkboard are mellow tunes. Songs that sound like pastel yellows mixed in with the sort of purple you see in perennial flowers. And an assortment of blues... Songs where you don't need to digest the words to know how you're supposed to feel.
I keep forgetting to blink. And take deep breaths.
I accidentally left my depressed droning behind when switching classes and another teacher saw. I came by to grab them as soon as I noticed them missing, but 30 minutes had passed by then. If she read any of it I'll probably quit on the spot if she mentions it.
I've been getting really cold at work lately. Odd. Think I'm getting sick, like maybe it's something psychosomatic.
I had a wonderful dream this morning but I can't remember what it was. I miss it. Sometimes the most calming thing to me is feeling like I'm sitting on the ocean floor or maybe the bottom of a pool; the reflection of waves and twisting nets of lives yellow and white while writhing around me. That short lapse in attention which brought me knocking on heaven's door as a child now wraps me like a blanket when my day to day becomes hectic. I've made a home out of the hollow place that it created. I think that's cause for celebration.
The only music that doesn't sound like nails against a chalkboard are mellow tunes. Songs that sound like pastel yellows mixed in with the sort of purple you see in perennial flowers. And an assortment of blues... Songs where you don't need to digest the words to know how you're supposed to feel.
I keep forgetting to blink. And take deep breaths.
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