Hey Jonathan,
I'm trying to write this as people are coming in and out of my office, so forgive me if it's disorganized and for the typos.
I appreciate the letter, it took courage to put your thoughts down on paper and hand it to me. I want to address the issues that you mentioned, but first there are a few things I would like to say. I know that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. This letter to you is not to rebut yours, or make excuses, but is only to explain my state of mind-- right or wrong, for better or worse. I have always been equally as proud of you as your brothers. There was never a time that I said "that's it, you pissed me off for good!", and had a change of heart towards you. You, Alex, and Tyson have different personalities, so you each have to be addressed differently. I have tried to be very careful not to compare you guys to each other, because I did not want to cause any resentment between you all. You and your brothers-- our family, are my life.
When you guys were younger I was either at home, at work, or at Kung Fu those few hours a week. That was pretty much it. My friends came into town once or twice a yer that I would hang out with them. I may have cut loose with them ecery now and then, but I NEEDED it -- for better or worse. You mentioned that I yelled at you in front of my friends once; My friends are like family I have known them for so long. I have seen them get on to their kids as well. That's normal as it happened to me, many, many times. I got my butt whipped in front of them too, and my friends and cousisns and vice versa. Quite frankly, that is something you should not be internalizing or holding on to. Except for that one instant, it had no significance on the way I see you, and I wasn't the town drunk who cussed out his kids every night (I know that's not what you meant). I don't remember the cup incident, but i do know that I have never raised a hand at your mother. If i got to the point of throwing a cup im sorry you were affected by it, but I am not an emotional person so there must have been something behind it which I don't remember.
I enjoyed playing Mechwarrior, Midtown Madness, etc. just as much if not more than you guys did, even though I was criticized for it. When you were younber what wouldn't have noticed is that I worked a LOT. If I wasn't at work, I was on-call, or dialed-in to the office, literally all hours of the night, fixing some software problem, etc. At the same time, you were growing up, and spending more time outside playing with your friends. That's what happens when kids gorw up, as as parents as much sa it hurts, you have tio step back and let it happen. There was no conscious decision I made that I did not want to spend time with you or your brothers. I enjoyed those times. We playerd network games up until kyle was old enough to start beating me most of the time, so I don't think it was as long ago as it seems to me now.
I do rememebr whne you kicked and scratched your teacher, but we solved that problem quickly and I left it in the past. One good spanking and it was done. It sounds cliche and corny, but the old saying that "this is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you son" right before dishing out punishment is true. It still is to this day. I think about that all of the time, and I hope one day you all will understand that I was "hard" on you guys at times because I see so much potential in you, and I want to push you to excel in life. Sometimes that means that one child may need more or different discipline than others. It doesn't that i prefereed your brothers over you or vice versa, it's just that each of you is different. The easy thing to do is to be "fair". The harder choice is to discipline them even though they may hate you for it. I made and still make mistakes along the way, but I do so out of love because I care enough about your future to risk having you all mad at me now. I have mentioned several times over the years, and sometimes forced, your mom to dish out some discipline, or to say "no" to you every now and then. Usually the tough decisions get pushed off to me, as I'm sure you're familiar with, and I felt it was creating a situation where 1) her opinion didn't matter, and 2) I was the grim reaper. Part of that comes with the Dad role, but you have to even it out every now and then. The time that you remember that I threatened to pucn hyou as you put it, was something that had been buyilding for a few days. If you recall during that yime, your mom was mad at me about something, and had been quiet for several days. I perceived that her bitterness towards me was stoarting to rub off on you, and you were starting to mad-dog me for a couple of days. I don't even remember what the issue was, as that was not even the point. The point was-- and I believe you mentioned this, is that you were starting to talk and stare me down like I was one of your homeboys and you were my equal. Again, this is something that i hope you will udnersatnd some day, but i had to be the teacher that day. Probably every father and son goes through this at some point (thse are funny stories that we laugh about now), but i had to let you know that you will respoect me out of reverence, or out of fear if necessary. It was important thtat your mother was not around to defend you like she usually does. I do believe that a child should be able to air his grievances to his dad at the appropriate time, but it has to be out of respect. As a father, that was probably the toughest day I ever had. It hurt me deeply to see you so upset, but I felt it was something that needed ot be done, and I had to be man enough to do it. Even your brothers were starting to make comments about how you were getting away with being disrespectful. The fact of her bitterness rubbing off on you is a theme thgat i will get to later.
There are some things that you get away with more than your brothers. You get to say out much later than Alex did when he was in high school. But that is because I feel that you are more responsible. There is a reason athletes always say hi to their moms first LOL!
I was a kid too once, and had to learn to deal with people making fun of me, etc. I was one of a handful of black kids in my entire elementary school, and felt pretty isolated at times. One thing I learned is that if you show kids weakness, theyll torture you to no end. In my heart, I felt youir pain, but as a dad sometimes you can't indulge your kids hurt feelings too much. Physical danger is one thing, but name calling is something you have to teach your sons to learn to deal with. People alwys will had something to say, especially if they see that it's getting to you. Even the kid you mentioned was looking at you and laughing a few weeks ago, you have to learn to ignore them. They are obviously insecure about something, and have bigger personal issues than you ever will.
As you can recall, I never pressured you guys into joining sports, even though I think it is a good idea. No matter what you do, and it still doesn't matter, all I care about si that you give 100%. When I pushed you it was never because I thought I was better than you, even though I ws made to feel that way at times. I enjoyed every minute of watching you play sports, or do whatever you chose to do. On that one occasion, the reason that I told you that i wasn't going to your games is because i believed that you took what I intended as constructive criticism as put-downs, and you internalized it too much. You probably don't remmber this part, but I tried to mix in positive statements, and mix in some suggestions on how you could be better. If y'all go out there and act like a lzy dog, it's my job to let you kno (Tyson a lot more than you incidentally) because out in the real world, i's not so nice. How much you score was never the point. The expereiene and character that you develop will help[ you more than you know, in any career field.
It's hard to explain things witout mentioning other peopel, but I will seize this opportubnity to give my side of the story. Not ot exonerate myself or cast blame,but so you understand my state of mind. Back to your mother's bitterness rubbing off on you; I have been very careful, and tried my best not to say nevative things baout your mom to you all, even if i am mad at her. When we have fights, I don't even mention it to mfamily or friends, because I don't want them looking cross-eted at her the next time they see us. I have always dealt with it privately, as I thought was the best thing to do. Even though I was proabbly getting a reaw deal, I still think it was best. Since you wrote me this letter, it got me to thinking about things, and I am sharing my thoughts with you. This could all just be my paranoid mind playing tricks on me... When you mom has "blown up", it has been very visible. Michelle knows, your grandma knows, Mike and Debbie know, etc. I felt that it would have been counter-productive for me to run and tell my side to counter. I had to swallow my pride a lot. Based on a comment that Alex made to me once, and what I perceived-- right or wong, as your resentfullness towards me, I surmised that you guys probably think I'm some kind of raging a-hole. I am imperfect, and after a while I start to wonder myself... LOL. I have, for a long time, felt that your mom's anger toawrds me was coarried over to you. Before you can probably remember, whenever she would gert mad at me, she would get up and go sleep with you. Through no fault of your own, I think you have always kind of been her "security blanket"-- I think she has definitely given you much more attention than your brothers, and I think it's still that way. Based on comments she made from tine to time I think she revels in the fact that you "stand up to me". But to be hoenst, I can't point to any moment, or any event when you and I would ahve "parted ways" based on a direct confrontation. I just feel it may have rubbed off on you from somewhere. You see, before you were born, I had health insurance for our family, but i did not know that even yhough your mom was covered, her baby that she was carrying was not. I ws supposed to notify the insurance of the baby beforehand 30 days in advance, or soemthing like that, or the birth was not covered. That meant that I ahd to pay for your bith in cash, which would have been at lesat 10,000. So i had to find a reputable midwife (women who help to deliver abbies the old fashion way before hospital birthing rooms) and have a doctor on stand-by just in case. That's why you were natural-born at home, and there were no complications whatsoever. I mention that because I don't think your mom has ever forgiven me for that. Even then I have always been financially responsible, paid the majority, if not all of the bills at times so she could stay at home, or use her money to pay-off her bills etc. At some point she decided that our lifestyle was not good enough for her, because she had to work as well most of the time.
The other source that I know of is her dad. He was a nice accomplished man in many ways, but a horrible husband in others. All the half-brothers and sisters with overlapping ages, you get the idea. All of his transgresssions are projected on to me, and I am nothing like him, and never will be. Some random telemarketer with the same name as a girlfriend I had back in college caleld a couple of months ago, and your mother answered the phone. Because the telemarketer said that she did not want to leace a message and said that she would call back on the weekend, your mom's mind started working. She walked around mad at me almost five days waiting until the weekend when Bianca called so she could bust me. In her mind, Bianca was calling to tell me that we had a son that I dind't know about, and if that was the case, your mom was "outta here" and that I would ahve to "deal with that on my own". That is a conversation you walked in on a couple months ago I think. There have been a coiple of times that your mom told you and yor brothers that she was leaving that I'm sure youi remember. Those were the worst days of my life, because yall were wailing in tears. There were many times that you don't even know about-- dozens over the years. It takes it's toll, unfortunately. I decided taht day that I will go to my grave before I could put yall thorugh that. So I will always be here for you, and wherever I am will always be your home, no matter what.
Believe it or not, our marriage was great for several years overall. You will have to ask her what happened because I really don't know what I did.
But then again, I can't let myself fall into dwelling on the past because I amnot a perfect being. And I am sure that I'm conveniently "forgetting" a few things along the way. I have made my share of mistakes, and for that I am truly sorry. I love you with all my heart, always have and always will.
I'm trying to write this as people are coming in and out of my office, so forgive me if it's disorganized and for the typos.
I appreciate the letter, it took courage to put your thoughts down on paper and hand it to me. I want to address the issues that you mentioned, but first there are a few things I would like to say. I know that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. This letter to you is not to rebut yours, or make excuses, but is only to explain my state of mind-- right or wrong, for better or worse. I have always been equally as proud of you as your brothers. There was never a time that I said "that's it, you pissed me off for good!", and had a change of heart towards you. You, Alex, and Tyson have different personalities, so you each have to be addressed differently. I have tried to be very careful not to compare you guys to each other, because I did not want to cause any resentment between you all. You and your brothers-- our family, are my life.
When you guys were younger I was either at home, at work, or at Kung Fu those few hours a week. That was pretty much it. My friends came into town once or twice a yer that I would hang out with them. I may have cut loose with them ecery now and then, but I NEEDED it -- for better or worse. You mentioned that I yelled at you in front of my friends once; My friends are like family I have known them for so long. I have seen them get on to their kids as well. That's normal as it happened to me, many, many times. I got my butt whipped in front of them too, and my friends and cousisns and vice versa. Quite frankly, that is something you should not be internalizing or holding on to. Except for that one instant, it had no significance on the way I see you, and I wasn't the town drunk who cussed out his kids every night (I know that's not what you meant). I don't remember the cup incident, but i do know that I have never raised a hand at your mother. If i got to the point of throwing a cup im sorry you were affected by it, but I am not an emotional person so there must have been something behind it which I don't remember.
I enjoyed playing Mechwarrior, Midtown Madness, etc. just as much if not more than you guys did, even though I was criticized for it. When you were younber what wouldn't have noticed is that I worked a LOT. If I wasn't at work, I was on-call, or dialed-in to the office, literally all hours of the night, fixing some software problem, etc. At the same time, you were growing up, and spending more time outside playing with your friends. That's what happens when kids gorw up, as as parents as much sa it hurts, you have tio step back and let it happen. There was no conscious decision I made that I did not want to spend time with you or your brothers. I enjoyed those times. We playerd network games up until kyle was old enough to start beating me most of the time, so I don't think it was as long ago as it seems to me now.
I do rememebr whne you kicked and scratched your teacher, but we solved that problem quickly and I left it in the past. One good spanking and it was done. It sounds cliche and corny, but the old saying that "this is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you son" right before dishing out punishment is true. It still is to this day. I think about that all of the time, and I hope one day you all will understand that I was "hard" on you guys at times because I see so much potential in you, and I want to push you to excel in life. Sometimes that means that one child may need more or different discipline than others. It doesn't that i prefereed your brothers over you or vice versa, it's just that each of you is different. The easy thing to do is to be "fair". The harder choice is to discipline them even though they may hate you for it. I made and still make mistakes along the way, but I do so out of love because I care enough about your future to risk having you all mad at me now. I have mentioned several times over the years, and sometimes forced, your mom to dish out some discipline, or to say "no" to you every now and then. Usually the tough decisions get pushed off to me, as I'm sure you're familiar with, and I felt it was creating a situation where 1) her opinion didn't matter, and 2) I was the grim reaper. Part of that comes with the Dad role, but you have to even it out every now and then. The time that you remember that I threatened to pucn hyou as you put it, was something that had been buyilding for a few days. If you recall during that yime, your mom was mad at me about something, and had been quiet for several days. I perceived that her bitterness towards me was stoarting to rub off on you, and you were starting to mad-dog me for a couple of days. I don't even remember what the issue was, as that was not even the point. The point was-- and I believe you mentioned this, is that you were starting to talk and stare me down like I was one of your homeboys and you were my equal. Again, this is something that i hope you will udnersatnd some day, but i had to be the teacher that day. Probably every father and son goes through this at some point (thse are funny stories that we laugh about now), but i had to let you know that you will respoect me out of reverence, or out of fear if necessary. It was important thtat your mother was not around to defend you like she usually does. I do believe that a child should be able to air his grievances to his dad at the appropriate time, but it has to be out of respect. As a father, that was probably the toughest day I ever had. It hurt me deeply to see you so upset, but I felt it was something that needed ot be done, and I had to be man enough to do it. Even your brothers were starting to make comments about how you were getting away with being disrespectful. The fact of her bitterness rubbing off on you is a theme thgat i will get to later.
There are some things that you get away with more than your brothers. You get to say out much later than Alex did when he was in high school. But that is because I feel that you are more responsible. There is a reason athletes always say hi to their moms first LOL!
I was a kid too once, and had to learn to deal with people making fun of me, etc. I was one of a handful of black kids in my entire elementary school, and felt pretty isolated at times. One thing I learned is that if you show kids weakness, theyll torture you to no end. In my heart, I felt youir pain, but as a dad sometimes you can't indulge your kids hurt feelings too much. Physical danger is one thing, but name calling is something you have to teach your sons to learn to deal with. People alwys will had something to say, especially if they see that it's getting to you. Even the kid you mentioned was looking at you and laughing a few weeks ago, you have to learn to ignore them. They are obviously insecure about something, and have bigger personal issues than you ever will.
As you can recall, I never pressured you guys into joining sports, even though I think it is a good idea. No matter what you do, and it still doesn't matter, all I care about si that you give 100%. When I pushed you it was never because I thought I was better than you, even though I ws made to feel that way at times. I enjoyed every minute of watching you play sports, or do whatever you chose to do. On that one occasion, the reason that I told you that i wasn't going to your games is because i believed that you took what I intended as constructive criticism as put-downs, and you internalized it too much. You probably don't remmber this part, but I tried to mix in positive statements, and mix in some suggestions on how you could be better. If y'all go out there and act like a lzy dog, it's my job to let you kno (Tyson a lot more than you incidentally) because out in the real world, i's not so nice. How much you score was never the point. The expereiene and character that you develop will help[ you more than you know, in any career field.
It's hard to explain things witout mentioning other peopel, but I will seize this opportubnity to give my side of the story. Not ot exonerate myself or cast blame,but so you understand my state of mind. Back to your mother's bitterness rubbing off on you; I have been very careful, and tried my best not to say nevative things baout your mom to you all, even if i am mad at her. When we have fights, I don't even mention it to mfamily or friends, because I don't want them looking cross-eted at her the next time they see us. I have always dealt with it privately, as I thought was the best thing to do. Even though I was proabbly getting a reaw deal, I still think it was best. Since you wrote me this letter, it got me to thinking about things, and I am sharing my thoughts with you. This could all just be my paranoid mind playing tricks on me... When you mom has "blown up", it has been very visible. Michelle knows, your grandma knows, Mike and Debbie know, etc. I felt that it would have been counter-productive for me to run and tell my side to counter. I had to swallow my pride a lot. Based on a comment that Alex made to me once, and what I perceived-- right or wong, as your resentfullness towards me, I surmised that you guys probably think I'm some kind of raging a-hole. I am imperfect, and after a while I start to wonder myself... LOL. I have, for a long time, felt that your mom's anger toawrds me was coarried over to you. Before you can probably remember, whenever she would gert mad at me, she would get up and go sleep with you. Through no fault of your own, I think you have always kind of been her "security blanket"-- I think she has definitely given you much more attention than your brothers, and I think it's still that way. Based on comments she made from tine to time I think she revels in the fact that you "stand up to me". But to be hoenst, I can't point to any moment, or any event when you and I would ahve "parted ways" based on a direct confrontation. I just feel it may have rubbed off on you from somewhere. You see, before you were born, I had health insurance for our family, but i did not know that even yhough your mom was covered, her baby that she was carrying was not. I ws supposed to notify the insurance of the baby beforehand 30 days in advance, or soemthing like that, or the birth was not covered. That meant that I ahd to pay for your bith in cash, which would have been at lesat 10,000. So i had to find a reputable midwife (women who help to deliver abbies the old fashion way before hospital birthing rooms) and have a doctor on stand-by just in case. That's why you were natural-born at home, and there were no complications whatsoever. I mention that because I don't think your mom has ever forgiven me for that. Even then I have always been financially responsible, paid the majority, if not all of the bills at times so she could stay at home, or use her money to pay-off her bills etc. At some point she decided that our lifestyle was not good enough for her, because she had to work as well most of the time.
The other source that I know of is her dad. He was a nice accomplished man in many ways, but a horrible husband in others. All the half-brothers and sisters with overlapping ages, you get the idea. All of his transgresssions are projected on to me, and I am nothing like him, and never will be. Some random telemarketer with the same name as a girlfriend I had back in college caleld a couple of months ago, and your mother answered the phone. Because the telemarketer said that she did not want to leace a message and said that she would call back on the weekend, your mom's mind started working. She walked around mad at me almost five days waiting until the weekend when Bianca called so she could bust me. In her mind, Bianca was calling to tell me that we had a son that I dind't know about, and if that was the case, your mom was "outta here" and that I would ahve to "deal with that on my own". That is a conversation you walked in on a couple months ago I think. There have been a coiple of times that your mom told you and yor brothers that she was leaving that I'm sure youi remember. Those were the worst days of my life, because yall were wailing in tears. There were many times that you don't even know about-- dozens over the years. It takes it's toll, unfortunately. I decided taht day that I will go to my grave before I could put yall thorugh that. So I will always be here for you, and wherever I am will always be your home, no matter what.
Believe it or not, our marriage was great for several years overall. You will have to ask her what happened because I really don't know what I did.
But then again, I can't let myself fall into dwelling on the past because I amnot a perfect being. And I am sure that I'm conveniently "forgetting" a few things along the way. I have made my share of mistakes, and for that I am truly sorry. I love you with all my heart, always have and always will.
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