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I don't know why things happen the way that they do.

I know what I want, but I also know what I cannot have.
I was told once that God can handle our anger and that makes the relationship more real...
More personal

And that in mind, I don't think I'll ever marry. 

Because I don't think marriage, as I'd like it to be, is in the cards for me. 

God has a funny way of making some of your biggest fears into tangible realities whilst providing peace that isn't yours... 

Or at least I hope that's what I'll get to eventually because it's more like a "calm" right now.
Maybe I never find peace with it.
I needed more time ...
That's something I have to paradoxically come to terms with too.

There are still so many things I can do.

So many ways I can serve people- she told me that though I feel none of it right now.

I have an impossible dream to keep chasing that guts me.

And while it may hurt for a while, making good on her request will be my way of reaching out and letting her know that someday, in a dream somewhere, it was never over. 

I wasn't ready when I was put on the spot...But...
I don't think I will ever stop trying.
Welcome or not.