I took a run so that I could step away (ba dum tss) so I could think.
I can't lie, the closure that has finally come doesn't arrive without creating new questions. It strikes me as interesting for so many reasons because it was like as soon as she said it, the reason for her skepticism, I felt like a goob for not having caught it sooner. It threw me all the way back to a conversation I had with my roommate during the first year of my relationship. The idea that someone else always had her heart was discussed, but now it has been confirmed. And there's freedom in that, though I know it was hard for her to come to me and say it after being in a serious relationship for two years. But we do what we must, and what is right I guess, to heal.
It's like even after breaking up again and all that mixed in with that situation, I still had this little seed sown deep into my heart and willpower that somehow somewhere we'd be back together. So I pushed away romantic pursuits and stalled others, because I knew what I wanted. But as of tonight, I now know that that door was never truly open, We just thought it was. And I don't have to vie for a hand that was never meant to, in the sense of marriage, hold mine. I made her feel many great things and we saw a few tucked away corners of the world together, but I just wasn't him- never could be. Because sometimes we find people that we just connect to inexplicably and we are each given different situations in which we find them, as well as different choices with what to do about it. Can't be helped I guess. And she apologized profusely for it. And I still would do anything for her. Cause that's who I am. Cause sometimes your kindred spirit wasn't yours to keep, or maybe they didn't feel the same. Maybe the one you feel is the love of your life was never meant to be your spouse. So now, in all my stubbornness, I have the means to fully, completely, achey and without fear, move on.
Thank you, little human. I know things were confused and lost here and there during our relationship, but we did so many beautiful things together and I know what I felt- a love bigger than myself that before I'd never known. And I know now that I can love harder and more steadfast than I ever knew. I learned that my love is indomitable, advancing without apology and willing to risk it all for the one who has my heart. I know that my love is different from that of any other and cannot be replicated, so I can go to sleep slowly but surely knowing that I won't be easily erased and overwritten. I know she will look back some day and smile at how I made sure she knew she was loved, and that soothes me. Oh... And I know that along the lines, one way or another, she was willing to take risks too. I can't be certain what was just youthful love-talk about our potential future together or what was genuine hope. I know it all had to ring true in some ways... and I know she had to have felt pieces of all that as much as she was able, and that's enough for me. Nobody can take that from me.
We both get to walk away from this, knowing that both of us ARE enough. We ARE worthy of a movie-like, larger than life, fairy-tale love that everybody likes to act like is corny or annoying. I can fear that I will fall into this cycle again, but as I said before- my biggest obstacle will always be to fling myself into the throws of love with another without holding back or thinking of what could go wrong. To love the moments as they are, not for what came before or might come after.
Life is confusing and full of turns and hitches and beauty and peace...
God is great, greater than all these things that could stand to gravely damage our hearts...
And I'm still okay
The Impossible Dream- Written by Joe Darion / Mitchell Leigh, Performed by The Temptations
I can't lie, the closure that has finally come doesn't arrive without creating new questions. It strikes me as interesting for so many reasons because it was like as soon as she said it, the reason for her skepticism, I felt like a goob for not having caught it sooner. It threw me all the way back to a conversation I had with my roommate during the first year of my relationship. The idea that someone else always had her heart was discussed, but now it has been confirmed. And there's freedom in that, though I know it was hard for her to come to me and say it after being in a serious relationship for two years. But we do what we must, and what is right I guess, to heal.
It's like even after breaking up again and all that mixed in with that situation, I still had this little seed sown deep into my heart and willpower that somehow somewhere we'd be back together. So I pushed away romantic pursuits and stalled others, because I knew what I wanted. But as of tonight, I now know that that door was never truly open, We just thought it was. And I don't have to vie for a hand that was never meant to, in the sense of marriage, hold mine. I made her feel many great things and we saw a few tucked away corners of the world together, but I just wasn't him- never could be. Because sometimes we find people that we just connect to inexplicably and we are each given different situations in which we find them, as well as different choices with what to do about it. Can't be helped I guess. And she apologized profusely for it. And I still would do anything for her. Cause that's who I am. Cause sometimes your kindred spirit wasn't yours to keep, or maybe they didn't feel the same. Maybe the one you feel is the love of your life was never meant to be your spouse. So now, in all my stubbornness, I have the means to fully, completely, achey and without fear, move on.
Thank you, little human. I know things were confused and lost here and there during our relationship, but we did so many beautiful things together and I know what I felt- a love bigger than myself that before I'd never known. And I know now that I can love harder and more steadfast than I ever knew. I learned that my love is indomitable, advancing without apology and willing to risk it all for the one who has my heart. I know that my love is different from that of any other and cannot be replicated, so I can go to sleep slowly but surely knowing that I won't be easily erased and overwritten. I know she will look back some day and smile at how I made sure she knew she was loved, and that soothes me. Oh... And I know that along the lines, one way or another, she was willing to take risks too. I can't be certain what was just youthful love-talk about our potential future together or what was genuine hope. I know it all had to ring true in some ways... and I know she had to have felt pieces of all that as much as she was able, and that's enough for me. Nobody can take that from me.
We both get to walk away from this, knowing that both of us ARE enough. We ARE worthy of a movie-like, larger than life, fairy-tale love that everybody likes to act like is corny or annoying. I can fear that I will fall into this cycle again, but as I said before- my biggest obstacle will always be to fling myself into the throws of love with another without holding back or thinking of what could go wrong. To love the moments as they are, not for what came before or might come after.
Life is confusing and full of turns and hitches and beauty and peace...
God is great, greater than all these things that could stand to gravely damage our hearts...
And I'm still okay
The Impossible Dream- Written by Joe Darion / Mitchell Leigh, Performed by The Temptations
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest, to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or cause
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or cause
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest
'Vulnerable' by Marvin Gaye is making me cry. Ah call me crazy. I just got back from a beautiful hike with friends and immediately got on spotify to see you. Only if its what music you're listening to at this very moment somewhere far away. I wish I could take away all the times I've hurt you and leave only the love we've shared. I wish I had known sooner that YOU are the love of my life. I wish I had done better for you, Jon Lucas.
ReplyDeleteBut I only did what I did. And I hope its enough. And I hope whatever you decide, you will be the happiest man someday. I just pray I get to be there with you. I love you and I miss you, my sweetheart.