Late nights on the porch are always eye opening. It's about that time of year again; Oklahoma nights are beginning to run cold.
I finally got a verbal confession from my roommates that they did everything they could to sabotage my relationship... I always had a feeling but ignored it for so long. And while I could be mad, I'm not... at least not anymore. I hate that my female roommate was more actively separating us by saying at times inflammatory, out of context, or untrue things to my ex to make us fight vs the other's method that was more underhanded with our late night talks. I know it's because they care and knew I'd never turn my back on the relationship, but I think injecting oneself and controlling outcomes instead of letting things happen naturally/cleanly was wrong. But enough about that... It serves no purpose to pout about that now.
We, male roommate and I, spoke on the porch for some time afterward. Sparing no pleasantries, he unzipped his physical form and let everything fall out... brutal honesty, sentiment and all. He wouldn't let me forget or question how Good I am... nor the size of my impact on his life. "Seek anchors" he kept saying. He asked if when I thought about "her", I saw all the good and beautiful moments first. Not the pain or the misfires, but the moments where I felt stupidly in love or happy. Because the understanding is this- whatever comes up first is what speaks most for the relationship. But that's the thing... I see us hiking down mountainsides, downing hand-grenades in the French quarter or fooling around in places we shouldn't. It's dinners with her parents or cooking at my house. He said he'd change his philosophy and outlook on the relationship if I insist that those were my anchors... I just need more time to think. And as I said that she drove by quietly, not batting an eye to my porch silhouetted by street light- and I can't think of any reason why should be around my end of the neighborhood. It couldn't have been more ironically timed- especially when you consider she was out at 2am well past her bedtime. My thoughts jumbled and raced faster than before, so we closed the conversation at that point and retreated to our bedrooms to rest.
"Remember, I love ya, man"
"I know brother, I know. You got my back and I've got yours."
As I laid there staring at the hanging fan wobbling in the center of the room, flashes of all the people, places and things I miss played out on the ceiling corns. I lost contact with a number of people I'd come to really care about in the weeks following the breakup (though it was necessary) and I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw each of them throughout the week. It was bittersweet almost to hug them when out at bars and have quick conversations before shenanigans lead my group and theirs down different paths for the night.
I'm still just trying to make sense of it all. And I think slowly but surely I'm finding it.
I finally got a verbal confession from my roommates that they did everything they could to sabotage my relationship... I always had a feeling but ignored it for so long. And while I could be mad, I'm not... at least not anymore. I hate that my female roommate was more actively separating us by saying at times inflammatory, out of context, or untrue things to my ex to make us fight vs the other's method that was more underhanded with our late night talks. I know it's because they care and knew I'd never turn my back on the relationship, but I think injecting oneself and controlling outcomes instead of letting things happen naturally/cleanly was wrong. But enough about that... It serves no purpose to pout about that now.
We, male roommate and I, spoke on the porch for some time afterward. Sparing no pleasantries, he unzipped his physical form and let everything fall out... brutal honesty, sentiment and all. He wouldn't let me forget or question how Good I am... nor the size of my impact on his life. "Seek anchors" he kept saying. He asked if when I thought about "her", I saw all the good and beautiful moments first. Not the pain or the misfires, but the moments where I felt stupidly in love or happy. Because the understanding is this- whatever comes up first is what speaks most for the relationship. But that's the thing... I see us hiking down mountainsides, downing hand-grenades in the French quarter or fooling around in places we shouldn't. It's dinners with her parents or cooking at my house. He said he'd change his philosophy and outlook on the relationship if I insist that those were my anchors... I just need more time to think. And as I said that she drove by quietly, not batting an eye to my porch silhouetted by street light- and I can't think of any reason why should be around my end of the neighborhood. It couldn't have been more ironically timed- especially when you consider she was out at 2am well past her bedtime. My thoughts jumbled and raced faster than before, so we closed the conversation at that point and retreated to our bedrooms to rest.
"Remember, I love ya, man"
"I know brother, I know. You got my back and I've got yours."
As I laid there staring at the hanging fan wobbling in the center of the room, flashes of all the people, places and things I miss played out on the ceiling corns. I lost contact with a number of people I'd come to really care about in the weeks following the breakup (though it was necessary) and I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw each of them throughout the week. It was bittersweet almost to hug them when out at bars and have quick conversations before shenanigans lead my group and theirs down different paths for the night.
I'm still just trying to make sense of it all. And I think slowly but surely I'm finding it.
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