Pavlov

Pavlov truly was on to something when he coined the term Classical Conditioning. He was onto something that effects us all in so many more ways than people could've imagined.

The mornings start without weights tied to my chest- but instead a burning in my head. It goes back to what I've been saying a lot lately- sometimes I feel this burning in my head when things are just wrong. I know why as well, but I can't seem to shake it. It has been ingrained into my system at this point from a lifetime of odd decisions. I loved her more than anything, and she knows that- no matter where she may currently be with it all. I have to assume she's doing pretty well because last time around that was the case- and this time she doesn't have to face any guilt. Which brings me back to Pavlov.

I open the webpage to a new draft and all of a sudden my heart begins beating faster. Like my body knows what is to come- the writing and the exodus of emotional thought that follows. I'm classically conditioned to pour everything into these posts. Especially in times like these, but as I reach down there's only so much I have to share. 

The heat in my head is because what feels wrong, is that I feel sickening guilt. Guilty for being more okay than I feel like I should be... For being more okay than I feel that I've earned. I haven't toiled, cried and stumbled enough. Last time it was like I was dragged out of a room thrashing with everything that I had- knocking everything over to stall time. But this time, I just walked out and left my keys on the counter. Yet I do not let my highs be high and my lows are lower. The best word for it is "hardened"- I am hardened to the world, as it were. I fractured a metatarsal (again) and it didn't even give me pause. My ribs have air pockets again but I don't care even a little. 

Because there is still so much to be happy for. And so much to look forward to...So I will remain happy as I should, push for it in others and do things that make me happy- I take care of people. Always have, always will. Part of the reason that I got so lucky in high school was because I poured into others tirelessly and looking back it was the biggest accomplishment of my life to date. I am my brother's keeper. God gave me the ability to shoulder the weights of others and I will not let that piece of who I am remain unfed. 

I AM my brother's keeper. 

I deserve everything this life has given me,

And plenty more- long as I'm willing to work for it.

Thank you, God.