Curtain Call

I fought the good fight for as long as I could, but now I have finally found the last nail to put into the coffin. Only 24 hours ago I was out by a lake, taking in the place that meant so much to my relationship and thinking about how deep down, I still felt it rested on my heart to carry on with hope that everything would come back together… But I was unsure. I was finding that the harder I tried to push away from the idea of things coming back, the deeper they hooked me. Seemed like things kept stacking against my logic and emotions. So I prayed with all that I had to find the answers to my questions, and having explained things to my mother I asked her to aid me in this endeavor. Not more than an hour later, though I didn’t see it at the time, the confession I received was exactly that.

I completely lost sight of it, but in a goofy way my mom mentioned “well you were looking for a sign… and ya got one!” I laughed at that, because it was so right- all this swirled in my mind while sitting in her home today- one that I would never visit again with memories splayed out before me in a scrapbook that I likewise will never touch again.

There was a part of me that wanted to leave a letter behind… but before I’d gotten too far from the house, I felt a shift. So I ran back, trashed what I’d written, and turned back to the cold, rainy world outside that welcomed me with open arms.

Head held high, prayers spamming out my mind, a smile stretched itself wide across my face as I played new songs that I never thought would apply to me and walked out into whatever lies ahead.

I could have been out for blood, hateful, nasty, rude, cold or harsh… But I wasn’t. And I don’t plan to go back on that. Because that isn't me. No I am not perfect or anywhere close to it, but a little piece of me I can find pride in is this right here. Despite all my struggles and trials this past month spanning the full gamete of ailments, I can take this anger, heartache, everything else and choke it down into its proper place- because sometimes it’s not about being right. Or getting the last laugh. I’d said in the team meeting I held just yesterday that if we are to ask for something out of life, we ought to be the first ones to exemplify it so that the absence of it in others can be known- aka “Be the change you want to see in the world”. So that’s what I’m doing. Grace I found in others is what brought me to God, so Grace I will show.

Batter my heart O three-person'd God, to make me the man that I can someday be. Take my achy bones through trial and turmoil so taxing that when I and anybody around me look back on my life, they will see your hand in all that I did. Your presence in my unlikely successes will be undeniable. Your grace even more so.

So that got a little weird up there, but here it is… Curtain call. Even as I type this, I can feel the goodbye. With shaky hands, I wave to the crowd and feel the lights and sea of faces falling away from me, dulling behind the hanging velvet. My magic show is at its’ end, and my final feat will be to disappear- just as suddenly and quietly as I appeared. Thinking all the while- wow, what a ride.

“That’s all I have for tonight, thank you all for coming out”

*bow*