The biggest hurdle I will face in the coming months is not the rigor of finding a future job or sifting through the muck of my dysfunctional family- it will be choosing to love again and again, knowing that I might have to watch my loved one go. It will be thinking about all the things we've been through, the hard times we fought through together and the beautiful moments as well, all wrapped tight into those eyes I call home and letting her walk away from into the realm of infinite possibility that is life. To take this woman who has taught me so much, loves me in a way that I'm not sure anyone else ever could despite all my cracks and push her out into something new- with no guarantee it will be the happiness she seeks but knowing full well that taking the chance alone is something she must do.
All of my cognizant life I thought I'd been grooming myself for such a moment. I thought I'd built the foundation strong enough, and that self-belief alone would make all the pain short lived. Like the shift from lover to friend could be a quick turnaround and nothing would change. But it turns out I was quite wrong. There is no logical preparing for it, because as I've coined in posts before, it isn't a realm that logic presides over. The logistics of my girlfriend maybe one day leaving me to chase a dream and what opportunities might present themselves as a result do nothing for the condition of the heart that asks both "how could I be so unlucky, and how could I be so fortunate"?
It would seem that no matter how hurt I've gotten, at the hands of many and of course my own, I've never lost that naive romanticism. Whether it's a strength or weakness... I haven't decided yet. But it's pulling questions out of me as the winds begin to call once more and they leave the chest in disharmony.
The dreams we've had were, maybe, never meant to be anything more than exactly that- dreams.
I don't know what's ahead, and I sure don't plan to prolong the inevitable when I have my answers, but I do know that I love her more than anything and I have to continue to give it everything I have. If I hold back (the careful approach)- I risk losing her regardless of post graduation plans. If I give everything and hope for the best (the gambler approach)- I open myself up to the most hurt, but also the most happiness. Maybe even convince her that she can't live without me, and I without her. With shaky fingers and frog in throat, I've made my choice.
The courage to love without looking ahead or turning back will be my biggest feat of strength to date.
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