The day of what was supposed to be our 13 month mark, I felt a special kind of peace wash over me and wondered if maybe that is what she had been feeling since the moment we last said goodbye. For the second night in a row I had actually managed to sleep clean through the night. My muscles and joints ached so I tended to them with stretches as I had the days before. It felt like I was stepping back into myself again. Or at least trying to. I began to write her a message as I usually did, filled with joy and thankfulness, but found the words coming out too jumbled so I tabled the idea for another time. Maybe one after my presentations and what not.
I never did end up typing that message... Maybe I still will.
Thursday, the night before, I had gone to a going-away party and met a few new folks. It was supposed to be the send-off for my lady friend from high school plus a few others from that same friend group all studying abroad next semester. Like any party, the music was loud and there were clusters and drifters, but I enjoyed myself. I didn't stress about how I was walking in as a bit of a stranger, or that I wouldn't have anybody to talk to. I just took a deep breath, charged on in and made myself welcome. I think I can safely say "I'm cool with" a gaggle of ATO's and one of my gal pal's old friends from freshman year. I'm not sure what her intentions are or what she knows about me (I know how people talk) but she was kind and showed me attention I hadn't gotten in a while, so we talked for a good portion of the night and it was just simple and clean.
Friday was the final day of my IBC program in which we were to present to the class and many invited guests the ups and downs of the company experience, as well as announce the amazing things we contributed to the community. I couldn't help but smile through every presentation, I don't think I remembered to blink. It was a beautiful thing to me, taking in all these people and hearing their stories as they speak of how they each shot for the stars, and in their own ways, each landed on them. Videos of jubilant, teary-eyed old folks being read to by my classmates, and a deaf child learning to speak with hearing aids my company's works provided for her (plus more) leveled me over and over again. My company raised $8,600 for a charity called Hearts for Hearing and committed over 1300 hours to an after school leadership program called LoveWorks. Watching all of these people with servant's hearts receive multi-thousand dollar checks and tight hugs, I couldn't help but feel grateful myself. We were all part of something bigger in that moment and lives were changed for the better because of the semester we spent in our companies- through all the late nights, early mornings, long weekends and sacrificed opportunities, we made a mark. Plenty of people left the room in their beautiful suits and blouses in tears, and I'm surprised I didn't do the same. I think I was still in shock that it was all over.
Right after that presentation we took off to the nearby bar/restaurant that is a staple for anybody at my university and shared some "family time" together. Every member of our company gathered around a thrown-together long table dead center of the establishment and had our very own company Dundies. As he will tell you, with each award came a joke (or is it the other way around?) and all of our company president's jokes hit in the best kind of way. The awards were written in red sharpie on blue paper plates as if the event wasn't goofy enough. I felt myself laughing from the gut. The deep kind that make you forget about appearances or noise levels. The kind you need most after tough times. There were so many stories I hadn't heard, and so many inside jokes I was now a part of... It truly felt like one big family for the last time. It's funny because since we were no longer representing the business college, one of my classmates started ordering up rounds of shots for the table and having a good ole time. Not being 21 had never felt quite as painful as it did then, ties in pockets and collars unbuttoned as the tequila got pounded down by the minute.
So there I was after it all, texting this new person, looking at pictures and thinking of what a dozy the past week had been. In some ways, it was both one of the worst and one of the best weeks of my life.
I had to let go of a wonderful woman who meant the world to me. And once again have my parents own marriage thrown in my face. I struggled in my classes and insomnia wrecked the little sliver of peace or rest I could've found through that trying time. I could feel myself losing it. But as much as I complain about it, God made me better than that. So I didn't dwell and from there I made more friends in that one week than the rest of the semester combined. I mean, not even 24 hours after the breakup I found myself at a bedlam game chatting up a storm and sharing laughs with people around me. I shook hands and chest bumped with scary strangers at neighborhood functions, was taken out to Ethiopian food, caught a musical, received various phone calls from friends I hadn't heard from in far too long, had a few "family lunches" with my rugby teammates, and even enjoyed an early Christmas with my family. In the last day or two I've also planned multiple trips over the Christmas break and even have some summer plans lining up for travel abroad...God really came through for me in big ways.
I keep asking myself-- how I can possibly be this okay with everything after only a week? I completely 100% believe that I could pick back up being in her life right now because I've healed enough, though all my friends are telling me it's too soon. And while I disagree because I'm no average person, I've finally realized it's also, maybe, too soon for her. Again, all this is truly beyond me. How well-off I was even after a few days was a surprise. Because we truly did build a wonderful little life together in each others hearts. But life is more complicated than that. And she must know that she will always have a place in my heart. I'm never going to lose all the sweet stories and enriching exchanges. I always told her that as long as she was still in love with me we would be fine. And she wasn't anymore, so we split. And while that sucks plenty, still does, it's pretty dang hard to let the sadness get the best of things when I look back at how much she used to love me and the amazing things we did. We cliff dived together. We kayaked the Colorado. We stood atop mountains whose views shot far past the Rio Grande River. We hammocked by rushing waters, climbed waterfalls, painted a home, conquered demons and while we were at it, ate the entire damn menu at Braum's.
So while I still feel I need to be away a little while... I'm leaving with a light in my eyes and a fire in my chest.
I never did end up typing that message... Maybe I still will.
Thursday, the night before, I had gone to a going-away party and met a few new folks. It was supposed to be the send-off for my lady friend from high school plus a few others from that same friend group all studying abroad next semester. Like any party, the music was loud and there were clusters and drifters, but I enjoyed myself. I didn't stress about how I was walking in as a bit of a stranger, or that I wouldn't have anybody to talk to. I just took a deep breath, charged on in and made myself welcome. I think I can safely say "I'm cool with" a gaggle of ATO's and one of my gal pal's old friends from freshman year. I'm not sure what her intentions are or what she knows about me (I know how people talk) but she was kind and showed me attention I hadn't gotten in a while, so we talked for a good portion of the night and it was just simple and clean.
Friday was the final day of my IBC program in which we were to present to the class and many invited guests the ups and downs of the company experience, as well as announce the amazing things we contributed to the community. I couldn't help but smile through every presentation, I don't think I remembered to blink. It was a beautiful thing to me, taking in all these people and hearing their stories as they speak of how they each shot for the stars, and in their own ways, each landed on them. Videos of jubilant, teary-eyed old folks being read to by my classmates, and a deaf child learning to speak with hearing aids my company's works provided for her (plus more) leveled me over and over again. My company raised $8,600 for a charity called Hearts for Hearing and committed over 1300 hours to an after school leadership program called LoveWorks. Watching all of these people with servant's hearts receive multi-thousand dollar checks and tight hugs, I couldn't help but feel grateful myself. We were all part of something bigger in that moment and lives were changed for the better because of the semester we spent in our companies- through all the late nights, early mornings, long weekends and sacrificed opportunities, we made a mark. Plenty of people left the room in their beautiful suits and blouses in tears, and I'm surprised I didn't do the same. I think I was still in shock that it was all over.
Right after that presentation we took off to the nearby bar/restaurant that is a staple for anybody at my university and shared some "family time" together. Every member of our company gathered around a thrown-together long table dead center of the establishment and had our very own company Dundies. As he will tell you, with each award came a joke (or is it the other way around?) and all of our company president's jokes hit in the best kind of way. The awards were written in red sharpie on blue paper plates as if the event wasn't goofy enough. I felt myself laughing from the gut. The deep kind that make you forget about appearances or noise levels. The kind you need most after tough times. There were so many stories I hadn't heard, and so many inside jokes I was now a part of... It truly felt like one big family for the last time. It's funny because since we were no longer representing the business college, one of my classmates started ordering up rounds of shots for the table and having a good ole time. Not being 21 had never felt quite as painful as it did then, ties in pockets and collars unbuttoned as the tequila got pounded down by the minute.
So there I was after it all, texting this new person, looking at pictures and thinking of what a dozy the past week had been. In some ways, it was both one of the worst and one of the best weeks of my life.
I had to let go of a wonderful woman who meant the world to me. And once again have my parents own marriage thrown in my face. I struggled in my classes and insomnia wrecked the little sliver of peace or rest I could've found through that trying time. I could feel myself losing it. But as much as I complain about it, God made me better than that. So I didn't dwell and from there I made more friends in that one week than the rest of the semester combined. I mean, not even 24 hours after the breakup I found myself at a bedlam game chatting up a storm and sharing laughs with people around me. I shook hands and chest bumped with scary strangers at neighborhood functions, was taken out to Ethiopian food, caught a musical, received various phone calls from friends I hadn't heard from in far too long, had a few "family lunches" with my rugby teammates, and even enjoyed an early Christmas with my family. In the last day or two I've also planned multiple trips over the Christmas break and even have some summer plans lining up for travel abroad...God really came through for me in big ways.
I keep asking myself-- how I can possibly be this okay with everything after only a week? I completely 100% believe that I could pick back up being in her life right now because I've healed enough, though all my friends are telling me it's too soon. And while I disagree because I'm no average person, I've finally realized it's also, maybe, too soon for her. Again, all this is truly beyond me. How well-off I was even after a few days was a surprise. Because we truly did build a wonderful little life together in each others hearts. But life is more complicated than that. And she must know that she will always have a place in my heart. I'm never going to lose all the sweet stories and enriching exchanges. I always told her that as long as she was still in love with me we would be fine. And she wasn't anymore, so we split. And while that sucks plenty, still does, it's pretty dang hard to let the sadness get the best of things when I look back at how much she used to love me and the amazing things we did. We cliff dived together. We kayaked the Colorado. We stood atop mountains whose views shot far past the Rio Grande River. We hammocked by rushing waters, climbed waterfalls, painted a home, conquered demons and while we were at it, ate the entire damn menu at Braum's.
So while I still feel I need to be away a little while... I'm leaving with a light in my eyes and a fire in my chest.
Comments
Post a Comment