How I Know

The feeling never leaves me. At one point I told her

"[She's] everywhere to me."

In the flower that opens it's eyes, the sun that shines through storm clouds while rain is still falling, or in the smell of fresh coffee in the morning. I know because the days, nights, mornings I leave her embraces never get easier. When I comb her hair I look into the back of her head, the sleekness of her neck and narrow shoulders and all at once want to give her everything. To protect. When she pulls up to my house, she never has to wait for a second knock because the reality is that I've been looking for her for the past 30 minutes. The door will be propped open or blinds will be raised as soon as I see lights flash across my bedroom walls. Her dreams when she tells them sometimes feel like mine. I picture them all and pray for the day I get to be with her through each step of the way. Her number one fan, I see it. She still makes me blush whenever she tells me she loves me, and my hands get clammy on dates like it's nothing I've ever done before. When she falls ill my life skids to a halt and nothing preoccupies me but the need to be there with her and nurse her back to health. She makes me laugh more than any girl ever has. She's a dream I won't stop chasing and images that flash in my mind of life without her do not just scare, but they haunt me. I know, because no amount of peace of grace I feel in the light of day can keep her hurt from putting a frog in my throat or a shakiness in my bones. I know this is real because I cannot keep bad feelings toward her when shes there in front of me, looking me in the eye or laying her hands in mine. Where they run I do not know and do not ask, but her presence dissipates the anger and before long I just want to hold her. Always. Without fail. Willingly, dutifully, when things aren't looking so hot for us, prayer abounds and my eyes turn inward and upward. I know because God has placed her in my life and through all the things we've been through, all the times we could have turned away or given in despite our love, we didn't and prayers were answered. God traded hurt for new love continually. We prayed for guidance and he led us back into each others arms time and time again.  

Long ago, I told her 

"I'm not going anywhere"

I know I love her more than anything, because I remember every milestone, month, journal entry, laugh, date night and ice cream sundae plus the conversations that filled them like they happened just yesterday, and yet forget what I ate just a few hours ago. I took counseling sessions so that I could repair my heart before she had a chance to slip out of my life without me having a fair play at hers. She helped me build a stronger relationship with my father. Even my brothers. She elevates and inspires me beyond the clutches of my cynicism to a place where genuine, unmeasured happiness can be found. She helped me find the forgiveness in my heart to show my mother grace. She feeds me body and soul. 

I know because my father gives her his blessing. My friends like me better when I'm around her, and as soon as she leaves, somebody or another texts me mournfully that they didn't have the pleasure of meeting her. I know because when people see us, they are inspired. I know this because I've asked. The smiles we flash one another at so much as a simple shared glance, the way I let her lean in to me without even a trace of a need for space, how I desire to be close to her all at times taken for granted. Sacrifices aren't sacrifices, and costs are minute. I always have time for her heart. Always have enough to give. Her family welcomes me far and wide. They shower me in offers and never make me feel anything but loved, because of the wonders that their daughter, niece or granddaughter has spoken of me. She likens me to biblical men who far outweigh me in accomplishment, taking in every aspect of me when I fall short and loving me none the less. From the bashed up car, to the banged up body she's found no scar too ugly to touch. I know because at any given moment, I am thinking about her. Her in her entirety. And praying for new ways to bless her. Or just another chance to see her. I know because if I could take all her burdens and her pain upon myself, I would take up the offer before God could even finish the question. I know because I see her smile and think stupid things like "I like her gums". She leaves dirty socks in my room and I pick them up gingerly like fine china on a shaky floor. She sends me a picture and it becomes the focal point of my room, the background of my phone. Every "Her" or "she" or "love" in a love song is automatically hers and hers alone. I want to learn where she got the scar on her right shoulder. Or what stories she told the other playground kids about the birthmarks on her leg. The first time she had prayer answered. The moment she knew she wanted to be a dancer. The ways boys failed her in the past so I can right all their wrongs. I know because with her I reach for the highest rung and go beyond my means to try. Before I always found it slightly ridiculous that every successful person in the world gives it all to their significant other come award ceremony, but recently I finally got it and have been planning out the speech ever since. 

She feels like home. When we're on the road, crashing in hotels, skidding on ice, winding through city lights, hundreds of miles from familiar territory, escaping the cold rain, or on the other end of a phone, she feels like home. I know because each time I look at her hands and rub her ring fingers, I begin taking notes, planning out my hopeful "someday" proposal since I don't even know when. 

She's my shelter from the storm

I want to grow old with her.

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And while all this is true and coming from the parts of me that pull heart strings on the way out, there's no telling what tomorrow will hold. Or if any of this will ever truly land on her heart and grow in her a trust. An assurance. But I can, and will, pray diligently that it does.