Sometimes she focuses too much on the bad. It would seem that 1 bad day equates to 3 good ones, or something in that range and it's not that I find it unreasonable, I just don't think that way. She worries that we will go down that same path we were on the first six months of our relationship. Fighting just as much as we were smiling in 1-for-1 trades with large outbursts being reconciled in wondrous shows of new love or affection. She said she couldn't do that all over again, and she was miserable. Translation, I made her miserable. It's the reality. So I told her to stay hopeful. And yet in the same breath I had to sit there and tell her that I cannot guarantee we will never fight, that I'm going to fail her, that I will never be in that place again but also that even if I completely become everything she ever wanted in a lucky turn of events, it doesn't mean she will still be in love with me and that's okay.
It's in times like those that honesty feels like a cold, sweaty hand, choking you the more you speak until you can't even hear what you're saying anymore.
We went to sleep agreeing that we would put it all aside for the next day, and I spent my night making birthday stuff into the wee hours of the morning. She said she wants to be with me for the long haul. And she always mentions that she wishes one could feel what the other is feeling from their shoes so that there would be no question, no doubt.
For a long while, that was all I could think about.
Fast-forward:
Last night, aka my girlfriend's birthday, was wonderful in all aspects except for one big one. Upon being dropped off at her house, my phone fell out of my pocket and was decimated by the rear tire of my friend as he drove off. Made for a real damper on the night, but we managed to get back on track and enjoy the time we had to the best of our ability.
The real stress came in the morning. I don't know why I felt so strongly that it would come through, but I prayed adamantly that somehow, someway like in some goofy movie my phone would've been back in functioning order with not a scratch to be seen and it would have all been like a bad dream. Alas, that was not the case. Instantly I was wrestling with trying to figure out:
1.) How am I going to explain this to my mother?
2.) How am I going to be able to get all my schoolwork/company tasks done without communication?
3.) How am I ever going to afford a replacement?
and
4.) When will I ever live this down?
All the best, worst, and in-between scenarios were run through methodically for some time until I decided to make contact with my girlfriend and join her for breakfast. She was very nurturing, praying for me without warning and holding my warmly between her shuffling about through morning routines. It had quite the effect on me. I can't say I was completely reassured. Not even happy. I just felt better that for all the times I told myself "I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure it out" I had someone sitting right there, with her head on my shoulder who agreed with me.
Whilst on the toilet I changed clothes, typed up additions to a Loan Book Presentation Draft for my company, contacted various coworkers via online groupme, and set up a service hour opportunity that would begin only 20 minutes later. I realize that this was remarkably unsanitary, but having my pants back up from around my ankles was not going to mean a thing if everything else fell apart.
Once at LoveWorks, I only intended to work 3 hours, but it became 4 by the time I left because I've never been one to leave tasks unfinished. Not typically. Should I have stuck to the schedule and just left? Maybe. But I needed the mindless tasks to calm my mind just as much as I needed to handle various obligations, so I saw it as more of a reallocation of time versus a loss.
For the late afternoon I went to class as usual, and now I'm sitting here trying not to get more upset that I've dropped this bomb on my mom about my current phone/financial situation. It's not going as bad as it could have, but I can tell a good part of that is because there are plenty of things she isn't telling me. Here in a minute I will be off to do my laundry and pray and pray and pray that God gives me peace or grace through all of this. Hopefully both.
It's in times like those that honesty feels like a cold, sweaty hand, choking you the more you speak until you can't even hear what you're saying anymore.
We went to sleep agreeing that we would put it all aside for the next day, and I spent my night making birthday stuff into the wee hours of the morning. She said she wants to be with me for the long haul. And she always mentions that she wishes one could feel what the other is feeling from their shoes so that there would be no question, no doubt.
For a long while, that was all I could think about.
Fast-forward:
Last night, aka my girlfriend's birthday, was wonderful in all aspects except for one big one. Upon being dropped off at her house, my phone fell out of my pocket and was decimated by the rear tire of my friend as he drove off. Made for a real damper on the night, but we managed to get back on track and enjoy the time we had to the best of our ability.
The real stress came in the morning. I don't know why I felt so strongly that it would come through, but I prayed adamantly that somehow, someway like in some goofy movie my phone would've been back in functioning order with not a scratch to be seen and it would have all been like a bad dream. Alas, that was not the case. Instantly I was wrestling with trying to figure out:
1.) How am I going to explain this to my mother?
2.) How am I going to be able to get all my schoolwork/company tasks done without communication?
3.) How am I ever going to afford a replacement?
and
4.) When will I ever live this down?
All the best, worst, and in-between scenarios were run through methodically for some time until I decided to make contact with my girlfriend and join her for breakfast. She was very nurturing, praying for me without warning and holding my warmly between her shuffling about through morning routines. It had quite the effect on me. I can't say I was completely reassured. Not even happy. I just felt better that for all the times I told myself "I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure it out" I had someone sitting right there, with her head on my shoulder who agreed with me.
Whilst on the toilet I changed clothes, typed up additions to a Loan Book Presentation Draft for my company, contacted various coworkers via online groupme, and set up a service hour opportunity that would begin only 20 minutes later. I realize that this was remarkably unsanitary, but having my pants back up from around my ankles was not going to mean a thing if everything else fell apart.
Once at LoveWorks, I only intended to work 3 hours, but it became 4 by the time I left because I've never been one to leave tasks unfinished. Not typically. Should I have stuck to the schedule and just left? Maybe. But I needed the mindless tasks to calm my mind just as much as I needed to handle various obligations, so I saw it as more of a reallocation of time versus a loss.
For the late afternoon I went to class as usual, and now I'm sitting here trying not to get more upset that I've dropped this bomb on my mom about my current phone/financial situation. It's not going as bad as it could have, but I can tell a good part of that is because there are plenty of things she isn't telling me. Here in a minute I will be off to do my laundry and pray and pray and pray that God gives me peace or grace through all of this. Hopefully both.
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