Last night was rough. Sleep did not come to me in the progression that I'd prepared for. But I prayed in great depth and it faded in its own time.
I'm growing tired of beating around the bush to not say my girlfriend's name but I also want to uphold her privacy though in this day and age it will take all of two seconds to learn everything there is to know about me. The only parameters that exist nowadays are the ones your interest level set and finding where that intersects with time constraints. So from now on her name is... Mel.
Mel and family church services are the only sources of true refreshment I've been receiving for some time and I hadn't quite put much thought toward that until now. Oh and of course there are my homies Paul and Kaylee, but my encounters with them are always too few and far between. Koa and plenty of others are of course fun to hang out with, but some of them have their hearts and minds elsewhere so it's hard at times to spend my free time with them. My own heart some two to three hundred miles away. There is a difference though, even if nothing more than an issue of perspective. I just find difficulty in sharing my take on things with them, knowing full well their focus isn't totally on where they are now. None of it seems to hold water and whatever cups they leave to collect drips from their leaky ceilings get kicked over in the morning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today was much more emotionally draining than it needed to be. When I decided to help my mother with her departure I felt a bad wind rustling about. Something was off about her mention of the weekend trip. Then once she's off I go to work with new baggage on my shoulder, only to spend an hour being bombarded by emotions and loaded questions because my boss and a coworker both just got dumped. As if I was the spokesperson for men around the globe, and humans aren't infinitely variable creatures. Then I got to my shift and imparted many of my beloved campers with goodbyes and votes of confidence for their futures. This too was draining so I closed the day out with having to do other people's jobs for them, and sitting in darkness until I grew too tired. Then I decided I didn't want to risk crashing on the couch. So I popped on a heavy movie and turned from it when Mel told me I could call. The call was short and lackluster compared to all the wondrous ones we've had over the course of her stay at her job. It was cut short, me mid-sentence, with her saying she had to go and hanging up. I told her to just let me know when she went to bed so we could talk then when the stress was behind her. It was understandable, after all. She has a very demanding job. I then fight the urge to turn in early and scoop up a friend to go meet with others, but once there receive yet another call. She mentioned that her day sucked so bad that she didn't want to get into it, but I insisted I wouldn't mind and we could do so whenever. That was the goal of this call, she having just gotten back to her living quarters. But as soon as I answered the phone she broke down and hung up, leaving me very confused and terribly worried. I don't remember what conclusion I came to that made me drop those feelings, but I came to it after twenty minutes or so waiting for her to call me back or reply to a message I'd sent her. I didn't end up hearing anything until quite some time later, and once I did, despite my best efforts and patience with her situation found myself relieved yet frustrated. Apparently what I'd said when she began to cry wasn't satisfactory, while her mother's words were (she called while Mel was on the phone with me, so she dropped my call and picked up the other). Apparently as the difference between a boy and a mom, and as lesson for me to handle crying women, I needed to respond in a way that provided her an outlet. But the thing is, while I didn't find it beneficial to argue semantics with her, what we, myself and her mother, had said were identical in meaning. Nothing about what I said denoted that I didn't intend to let her explain but she didn't see it that way so I apologized anyway and moved on. And that was frustrating because at that point it had nothing to do with me.
Today I was the focal point of a lot of people's projections.
My mother? I've already explained it. Same old, same old. She's running from her issues and looking for any justification to tuck tail. I love her but it's no secret.
My boss and coworker? The anger and desperation they flung at me came from their own sense of self value. Each complaining that their boyfriends acted like they didn't care enough or felt nothing. The reality is that of what I could see, they either had unrealistic expectations for a relationship that was casual at best, or simply couldn't accept that they weren't their SO's "everything". We live in a day and age where men are expected to be everything at the same time and are wrong no matter what they choose just like women. They can't be too soft, too rough, too loving, too callous, too available, too aloof. There's no winning. These girls wanted these cookie cutter novel-men who don't live in the real world with faulty families and cultural influences. Are these exes the best and sensible? Not necessarily. But at my first discovery of the issues and only an hour into their explanations, it was clear it wasn't quite about them.
My girlfriend- that had nothing to do with me. I had done nothing wrong, and said all the right things. I know this, because I've had to be the crying shoulder for many many women in the past. I had more female friends in high school than most females did. I facilitated venting sessions during class, between classes, after class, and at two in the morning when nobody else was awake. I've been around the block a time or two. She even admitted the same to me after her critique. That conversation was never one that she intended to have with me anyway. It was always meant to be with her mother, and one way or another it was going to happen. Even if we'd swapped our responses, the outcome would have been the same. I felt slightly insulted because it seemed to discredit in my mind the things I'd shared about my past and the role I played for many friends, yet I wasn't exactly going to make the night about how I felt. She was my focus. But it was placed on me because she felt she'd already thrown enough negativity my way over the last few weeks. It's very kind of her, but it felt more like she was diving on a grenade that was never there. I get the feeling she feels like she always has to be positive with me and while it's great to exude positivity in relationships overall, she should never filter her life just to achieve this goal. I don't just want her highlights. Because it is in those negative feelings that love can clear a space and begin to grow. It builds trust, understanding, respect, all that stuff. Not to mention I never want her to feel like she has to fake it until she makes it with me. Like she's acting.
I realize this is terribly cringey
But I just want her to be unapologetically Mel and let me love her as she is.
I mean she's got to know that I would
And everything would be peachy
[Mind you I know she knows these things and this was just one bad night, but this is my outlet. Let it be that, nothing more and nothing less.]
I'm growing tired of beating around the bush to not say my girlfriend's name but I also want to uphold her privacy though in this day and age it will take all of two seconds to learn everything there is to know about me. The only parameters that exist nowadays are the ones your interest level set and finding where that intersects with time constraints. So from now on her name is... Mel.
Mel and family church services are the only sources of true refreshment I've been receiving for some time and I hadn't quite put much thought toward that until now. Oh and of course there are my homies Paul and Kaylee, but my encounters with them are always too few and far between. Koa and plenty of others are of course fun to hang out with, but some of them have their hearts and minds elsewhere so it's hard at times to spend my free time with them. My own heart some two to three hundred miles away. There is a difference though, even if nothing more than an issue of perspective. I just find difficulty in sharing my take on things with them, knowing full well their focus isn't totally on where they are now. None of it seems to hold water and whatever cups they leave to collect drips from their leaky ceilings get kicked over in the morning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today was much more emotionally draining than it needed to be. When I decided to help my mother with her departure I felt a bad wind rustling about. Something was off about her mention of the weekend trip. Then once she's off I go to work with new baggage on my shoulder, only to spend an hour being bombarded by emotions and loaded questions because my boss and a coworker both just got dumped. As if I was the spokesperson for men around the globe, and humans aren't infinitely variable creatures. Then I got to my shift and imparted many of my beloved campers with goodbyes and votes of confidence for their futures. This too was draining so I closed the day out with having to do other people's jobs for them, and sitting in darkness until I grew too tired. Then I decided I didn't want to risk crashing on the couch. So I popped on a heavy movie and turned from it when Mel told me I could call. The call was short and lackluster compared to all the wondrous ones we've had over the course of her stay at her job. It was cut short, me mid-sentence, with her saying she had to go and hanging up. I told her to just let me know when she went to bed so we could talk then when the stress was behind her. It was understandable, after all. She has a very demanding job. I then fight the urge to turn in early and scoop up a friend to go meet with others, but once there receive yet another call. She mentioned that her day sucked so bad that she didn't want to get into it, but I insisted I wouldn't mind and we could do so whenever. That was the goal of this call, she having just gotten back to her living quarters. But as soon as I answered the phone she broke down and hung up, leaving me very confused and terribly worried. I don't remember what conclusion I came to that made me drop those feelings, but I came to it after twenty minutes or so waiting for her to call me back or reply to a message I'd sent her. I didn't end up hearing anything until quite some time later, and once I did, despite my best efforts and patience with her situation found myself relieved yet frustrated. Apparently what I'd said when she began to cry wasn't satisfactory, while her mother's words were (she called while Mel was on the phone with me, so she dropped my call and picked up the other). Apparently as the difference between a boy and a mom, and as lesson for me to handle crying women, I needed to respond in a way that provided her an outlet. But the thing is, while I didn't find it beneficial to argue semantics with her, what we, myself and her mother, had said were identical in meaning. Nothing about what I said denoted that I didn't intend to let her explain but she didn't see it that way so I apologized anyway and moved on. And that was frustrating because at that point it had nothing to do with me.
Today I was the focal point of a lot of people's projections.
My mother? I've already explained it. Same old, same old. She's running from her issues and looking for any justification to tuck tail. I love her but it's no secret.
My boss and coworker? The anger and desperation they flung at me came from their own sense of self value. Each complaining that their boyfriends acted like they didn't care enough or felt nothing. The reality is that of what I could see, they either had unrealistic expectations for a relationship that was casual at best, or simply couldn't accept that they weren't their SO's "everything". We live in a day and age where men are expected to be everything at the same time and are wrong no matter what they choose just like women. They can't be too soft, too rough, too loving, too callous, too available, too aloof. There's no winning. These girls wanted these cookie cutter novel-men who don't live in the real world with faulty families and cultural influences. Are these exes the best and sensible? Not necessarily. But at my first discovery of the issues and only an hour into their explanations, it was clear it wasn't quite about them.
My girlfriend- that had nothing to do with me. I had done nothing wrong, and said all the right things. I know this, because I've had to be the crying shoulder for many many women in the past. I had more female friends in high school than most females did. I facilitated venting sessions during class, between classes, after class, and at two in the morning when nobody else was awake. I've been around the block a time or two. She even admitted the same to me after her critique. That conversation was never one that she intended to have with me anyway. It was always meant to be with her mother, and one way or another it was going to happen. Even if we'd swapped our responses, the outcome would have been the same. I felt slightly insulted because it seemed to discredit in my mind the things I'd shared about my past and the role I played for many friends, yet I wasn't exactly going to make the night about how I felt. She was my focus. But it was placed on me because she felt she'd already thrown enough negativity my way over the last few weeks. It's very kind of her, but it felt more like she was diving on a grenade that was never there. I get the feeling she feels like she always has to be positive with me and while it's great to exude positivity in relationships overall, she should never filter her life just to achieve this goal. I don't just want her highlights. Because it is in those negative feelings that love can clear a space and begin to grow. It builds trust, understanding, respect, all that stuff. Not to mention I never want her to feel like she has to fake it until she makes it with me. Like she's acting.
I realize this is terribly cringey
But I just want her to be unapologetically Mel and let me love her as she is.
I mean she's got to know that I would
And everything would be peachy
[Mind you I know she knows these things and this was just one bad night, but this is my outlet. Let it be that, nothing more and nothing less.]
Comments
Post a Comment