My throat hurt. Pangs of soreness pin-needled in my collarbone. My phone read 8:04 when I woke. My sleeping habits will come in handy some day when I'm on the run or have a newborn, but until then light, brief sleep will continue to suck. My girlfriend sent me another almost daily self-portrait and I made it through two words, an article and a subject, before dipping back into sleep. 8:37 I regain consciousness with a restlessness just strong enough to pin back my eye lids but not enough to warrant getting up. It took me another 2 hours before I finally got up.
A whole lot of drive from a place I can't decide pulled back my shoulders and unfurled through my chest like opened sails. A certain line from a song rang quietly like looped whispers
"I don't know why I miss everyone but I still don't call"
So I went ahead and resolved that a little. Reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in over year and an old mentor. To my astonishment, both received my inquiries warmly. I am to meet with the latter tomorrow afternoon and the first I hung out with today.
Soon as my spoon clink-and-raked the bottom of the bowl for the last soggy fruity pebbles, I hopped up and let the bowl crash in the sink as I bolted to my car. I wasn't sure how much time I'd have with him since he had the night shift at the convenience store nearby so it was in our best interest that I not waste time. It was so odd. Conversation flowed so easily, like the gap in our communication never existed. But I couldn't help but feel like we had sort of grown apart somehow. Not that we are any less friends than before, but it's an interesting feeling. I used to have a clear space, a slot that I fit into in his life and while we still connect, I just don't feel needed anymore. Yes we joked around constantly, caught up and got into deeper darker issues. But the feeling didn't deter at all that if I weren't around my place would've continued to dissipate. Before the memories of the home had a chance to flood back to me, I was shaking hands with his father and as any college student has become accustomed, answering the usual "how is [insert school here]". Sentences formed without any thought put toward them while my friend and his father, lounging in slippers on plush couches chuckled and nodded. I was surprised at that point that he didn't have his usual pistol aimed at me upon entering, but the element of surprise postponed that joke until a later time. We went upstairs just long enough for him to take a few quick things before we grabbed lunch and sat out by the pool, just like old times. He was very quick to embolden me with praises of character that I came to greatly appreciate. He knew me before my life and identity had crumbled and was just then meeting me on the other side. He never saw me during my darker days. As I confided in him all that had come to pass he grew somber and drew a smoke. Offered me one but I declined. The other medications began to take him. While his mind was raw I decided we move on to happier things and so we did, wading thigh deep into nostalgia. It was then that the differences were most apparent but I kept them to myself because it wasn't necessarily a sad thing. At this point it is safe to say that save offering solid friendship and dependable laughter, we've done just about all that we can do for each other. It's bittersweet closure. We hugged tightly before I left.
He reminded me much of how much time I gave to others and consequently how much I left for myself for better or worse. Kind of got me on this tangent that it seems there's no singular crossroads that every person finds themselves at during a specific pivotal point. There are in fact, tons of all-stop crossroads that we are currently at where the cars on the other sides always insist you have the right of way flash their lights awaiting your choices.
I got home absolutely exhausted somehow and after a brief nap met up with friends to swim.
Came back around 12:30 and wrote this.
I mentioned today that sometimes the best way to tie up a loose end or grease a squeaky wheel is to get rid of the thing entirely. Streamline the process and cut through the lawn. It's one of those lessons I didn't fully realize I'd gained or put into crystalline knowledge until words fell out of my mouth natural as an exhale when a loved one asked for advice.
A whole lot of drive from a place I can't decide pulled back my shoulders and unfurled through my chest like opened sails. A certain line from a song rang quietly like looped whispers
"I don't know why I miss everyone but I still don't call"
So I went ahead and resolved that a little. Reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in over year and an old mentor. To my astonishment, both received my inquiries warmly. I am to meet with the latter tomorrow afternoon and the first I hung out with today.
Soon as my spoon clink-and-raked the bottom of the bowl for the last soggy fruity pebbles, I hopped up and let the bowl crash in the sink as I bolted to my car. I wasn't sure how much time I'd have with him since he had the night shift at the convenience store nearby so it was in our best interest that I not waste time. It was so odd. Conversation flowed so easily, like the gap in our communication never existed. But I couldn't help but feel like we had sort of grown apart somehow. Not that we are any less friends than before, but it's an interesting feeling. I used to have a clear space, a slot that I fit into in his life and while we still connect, I just don't feel needed anymore. Yes we joked around constantly, caught up and got into deeper darker issues. But the feeling didn't deter at all that if I weren't around my place would've continued to dissipate. Before the memories of the home had a chance to flood back to me, I was shaking hands with his father and as any college student has become accustomed, answering the usual "how is [insert school here]". Sentences formed without any thought put toward them while my friend and his father, lounging in slippers on plush couches chuckled and nodded. I was surprised at that point that he didn't have his usual pistol aimed at me upon entering, but the element of surprise postponed that joke until a later time. We went upstairs just long enough for him to take a few quick things before we grabbed lunch and sat out by the pool, just like old times. He was very quick to embolden me with praises of character that I came to greatly appreciate. He knew me before my life and identity had crumbled and was just then meeting me on the other side. He never saw me during my darker days. As I confided in him all that had come to pass he grew somber and drew a smoke. Offered me one but I declined. The other medications began to take him. While his mind was raw I decided we move on to happier things and so we did, wading thigh deep into nostalgia. It was then that the differences were most apparent but I kept them to myself because it wasn't necessarily a sad thing. At this point it is safe to say that save offering solid friendship and dependable laughter, we've done just about all that we can do for each other. It's bittersweet closure. We hugged tightly before I left.
He reminded me much of how much time I gave to others and consequently how much I left for myself for better or worse. Kind of got me on this tangent that it seems there's no singular crossroads that every person finds themselves at during a specific pivotal point. There are in fact, tons of all-stop crossroads that we are currently at where the cars on the other sides always insist you have the right of way flash their lights awaiting your choices.
I got home absolutely exhausted somehow and after a brief nap met up with friends to swim.
Came back around 12:30 and wrote this.
I mentioned today that sometimes the best way to tie up a loose end or grease a squeaky wheel is to get rid of the thing entirely. Streamline the process and cut through the lawn. It's one of those lessons I didn't fully realize I'd gained or put into crystalline knowledge until words fell out of my mouth natural as an exhale when a loved one asked for advice.
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