You know, I've thought about it and I have to say that I think I do give more than most. That sure as hell does not mean I think I'm the best person around, or even the nicest. Just that I give a lot. And I think I have earned the right to say that despite everybody's difficulty in life, and relativity, and opportunity, I really, truly, do give a lot. And that there are a good number of folks out there like me that life will/has brought to me that I need to learn to find solace in (yes you, ginger). My answered prayers and time spent with God, even, leads me to believe so. This is not me wanting to be a hero or a martyr, this is me speaking from the depths of my heart.
While at dinner the other night it sounded wrong to say it and I was afraid to be wrong, but the thing is, it really is true. I know it and I'm not the only one that feels this way. Not just because I feel it, but because I've been told it my whole life. The nicest thing my mother ever told me was that she had never met anyone more giving than me. My father said the same (and he always felt he was the most giving person). It's "not that [I] just give up my belongings, but [I] give myself. [I] always have time for people and if [I] don't, [I] make it. [I] do it instinctively and without hesitation". Leaders and mentors accrued through all my youth camps and organizations have echoed this notion. Friends and even acquaintances have brought it to my attention time and time again that this is true. So in a lot of ways it doesn't even matter how I feel about it, because feelings don't always shape reality. Actions do. And my actions keep reaffirming that truth.
Now do I always look at this with humility and let it be something that makes me feel content? No. It's not fun, but I definitely see that. My girlfriend said I need to figure this out and I agree. Feeling good about what I do shouldn't make me feel like a narcissistic douche or overconfident jerk-- which I'm sure is why I look for affirmation in others because it's not douchey if they said it (a slippery slope, I know). Note that I know plenty of human beings have given things my way as well, after all there is no way any one person could ever give more than they receive because there is only one you, but there are billions of them. I still find it difficult sometimes letting the gifts and acts of kindness go unweighted much like sins do. I'm trying to learn to understand these things from the mind and heart of those that give. I'm trying to not downplay the good things that happen to me so that I don't make the lingering baggage from my past into a self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling unappreciated or undeserving and confirming to the dark parts of myself that I deserve to pay penance for crimes I never actually committed. Like every kind word is simply a courtesy and every gift has a string. Cause they're not and they don't.
The brain is a tricky thing.
The brain is a tricky thing.
Again, it's not a competition, but everybody has one thing or another made in God's image that they have every right to brag about, and I think for me it's my "servant's heart" and willingness to give (for my girlfriend it's her overflowing love for people in her life and for my youth leader it was his patience that knew no bounds). I still can't say that on any given day if you were to ask me if I like myself (not to be confused with love myself) I'd say yes without doubt. That's not being dramatic or choosing to play the victim, it's the truth though it's getting better. But I can always say unabatedly that I like that clean white piece of me that others continue to see and let shine even when I don't. Sometimes I do run dry from giving too much of myself. Actually more often than not. Sometimes I question the value of the things I do. But after a spell of emptiness, losing sight of the one thing that made me truly unique I've found that faithful giving will always be the one true key to my satisfaction in life and relationship with God...
And to run from the one thing that gets me as close to God as I'll ever be would be a mistake.
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