It's getting harder and harder to write on this thing and I hate it, but it's a symptom of quite a good thing. The truth is, as I'm sure I've said in the past and will most definitely continue to say in the future, that I just have a life so vibrant and ever-changing (not always necessarily in a good way) that I truly that I just need to be present with things. These are not days that I can coast through or afford to not give full attention. Nor would I want to try to.
Last Monday I had my first counselling appointment and it would suffice to say that leading into it, my emotions were all out of whack. The weekend leading up to it was nothing but pure bliss with my girlfriend but as Monday morning came closer and closer, I felt my throat start to constrict and hands begin to quiver. I had this overwhelming feeling like I needed to run. Not sure where, or how far, I just needed to go and go far. Out under the isolation of moonlight and not stop until my heart would manage to level out. Or until my legs gave, whichever came first. But that was a bit too dramatic and romanticized an option for me to take, so I kept to contacting my SO and my father for some time, asking for prayer and words of encouragement as I scoured through the bible in search of anything that would make me feel invulnerable and sane-- so basically anything that let me forget I was me and found nothing that managed to do so without also being convicting.
Once I'd finally found grounds to sate the panic and my sand-castle of confidence had been shoddily erected, I dove headlong into slumber before any throb of blood in my temple or image of my own creation would crash down like a wave and erase it completely.
It all went alright. [SO] met up with me in the morning after sharing some verses with me and walked by my side all the way to the health center (I cannot thank her enough for that). I got dizzy sitting there in the waiting room, but found my bearings as my counselor reached for my hand and in her I found instant trust. Sure there were things I found that I could not say in fear that she may reach out and litigate against certain individuals in my life, but there was plenty that I could say and that was comforting. I held together very well, telling her anything and everything she cared enough to ask about until I mentioned to her that I used to flinch at my SO's touch and at that I found my words started to come out clunky and shaky, like mud water through a sifter. But not missing a beat, she sat attentively and continued to nod. In closing, she asked that I chew on one question until our next meeting at the end of the month and it went something like this: "what does life without your problem look like? If you woke up tomorrow and didn't have that problem anymore, would you even notice? How and why?"
I had my answer ready for her before I arrived at my next class.
Anyway, since then I've had an awesome week with my SO, classes have been going well, my family threw huge money my way for my Rugby trip to Jamaica, and even a little extra on the side for me to treat SO to an awesome weekend.
This weekend was jam packed. Friday SO and I had a quaint lunch and very intellectually satisfying debate/discussion about whether morality is fixed or flexible, and met later to have dinner together and enjoy a simple night of hanging out. She has now seen What's Eating Gilbert Grape and will have cause to hate me when I start making my Arnie references (I quote him whenever she hits me). The following afternoon we both had things to do (we beat OSU 82-5 and she had rehearsal stuff) and after I hung with my family for a bit, joined up with her and her roommate to enjoy a nice dinner with her loving grandparents footing the bill. From there we purchased ourselves some refreshments and took yet another night to ourselves chalked full of weird dancing and hearty laughter in my dimly lit living room. Fast forward through the night and I had the pleasure of treating her to a nice big breakfast courtesy of Chef Lucas to start off the day. Soon afterward we took a relaxing trip to lake Thunderbird with the goal in mind that we would try to take a nice picture because we really don't have any as a couple and once my team presentation was bumped to another date, decided to hit the art museum and a few food places around OKC with a chapel tour and some shenanigans mixed in. From building a stick village by the lake to jamming along to Seal as we pulled off the highway, the day hit no speed bumps from start to finish (or I guess the entire weekend was like that) and it was glorious.
I have a lot of things on my plate this week but with her by my side, God above and my family as the solid ground bellow, I should be okay.
Have a nice day, anonymous readers.
Last Monday I had my first counselling appointment and it would suffice to say that leading into it, my emotions were all out of whack. The weekend leading up to it was nothing but pure bliss with my girlfriend but as Monday morning came closer and closer, I felt my throat start to constrict and hands begin to quiver. I had this overwhelming feeling like I needed to run. Not sure where, or how far, I just needed to go and go far. Out under the isolation of moonlight and not stop until my heart would manage to level out. Or until my legs gave, whichever came first. But that was a bit too dramatic and romanticized an option for me to take, so I kept to contacting my SO and my father for some time, asking for prayer and words of encouragement as I scoured through the bible in search of anything that would make me feel invulnerable and sane-- so basically anything that let me forget I was me and found nothing that managed to do so without also being convicting.
Once I'd finally found grounds to sate the panic and my sand-castle of confidence had been shoddily erected, I dove headlong into slumber before any throb of blood in my temple or image of my own creation would crash down like a wave and erase it completely.
It all went alright. [SO] met up with me in the morning after sharing some verses with me and walked by my side all the way to the health center (I cannot thank her enough for that). I got dizzy sitting there in the waiting room, but found my bearings as my counselor reached for my hand and in her I found instant trust. Sure there were things I found that I could not say in fear that she may reach out and litigate against certain individuals in my life, but there was plenty that I could say and that was comforting. I held together very well, telling her anything and everything she cared enough to ask about until I mentioned to her that I used to flinch at my SO's touch and at that I found my words started to come out clunky and shaky, like mud water through a sifter. But not missing a beat, she sat attentively and continued to nod. In closing, she asked that I chew on one question until our next meeting at the end of the month and it went something like this: "what does life without your problem look like? If you woke up tomorrow and didn't have that problem anymore, would you even notice? How and why?"
I had my answer ready for her before I arrived at my next class.
Anyway, since then I've had an awesome week with my SO, classes have been going well, my family threw huge money my way for my Rugby trip to Jamaica, and even a little extra on the side for me to treat SO to an awesome weekend.
This weekend was jam packed. Friday SO and I had a quaint lunch and very intellectually satisfying debate/discussion about whether morality is fixed or flexible, and met later to have dinner together and enjoy a simple night of hanging out. She has now seen What's Eating Gilbert Grape and will have cause to hate me when I start making my Arnie references (I quote him whenever she hits me). The following afternoon we both had things to do (we beat OSU 82-5 and she had rehearsal stuff) and after I hung with my family for a bit, joined up with her and her roommate to enjoy a nice dinner with her loving grandparents footing the bill. From there we purchased ourselves some refreshments and took yet another night to ourselves chalked full of weird dancing and hearty laughter in my dimly lit living room. Fast forward through the night and I had the pleasure of treating her to a nice big breakfast courtesy of Chef Lucas to start off the day. Soon afterward we took a relaxing trip to lake Thunderbird with the goal in mind that we would try to take a nice picture because we really don't have any as a couple and once my team presentation was bumped to another date, decided to hit the art museum and a few food places around OKC with a chapel tour and some shenanigans mixed in. From building a stick village by the lake to jamming along to Seal as we pulled off the highway, the day hit no speed bumps from start to finish (or I guess the entire weekend was like that) and it was glorious.
I have a lot of things on my plate this week but with her by my side, God above and my family as the solid ground bellow, I should be okay.
Have a nice day, anonymous readers.
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