For some reason I picture myself in a dim but warmly lit cluttered room (much like my own) leaning against my bed frame, legs at odd angles atop my ruffled sheets typing away at this while the window and blinds over my shoulder obscure the light of a lively city outside my poster-filled walls while coming-of-age type music with guitar riffs with too much reverb play and camera angles shift. Maybe I'm actually, contrary to any dream I've ever had in my life, actually meant to be a cinematographer. And I guess now that I know that I'll keep that idea in the back of my jeans and mind.
Summer's are always times of great growth and this one is no exception. I'm finding more and more of myself under all the dirt and "rough" I chip away (because I'm a diva and would like to think I'm a diamond). Lots of "up's and down's, in's and out's" this season and I'm sure in the few days I have left on vacation before I must head back to university, there will be more. But I guess it goes without saying that if not for that reality, life wouldn't be very fun now would it?
This week alone has been an odd one. I didn't go to work at all this week despite having three scheduled 10 hour shifts because my mother, well, just said "no". And like the golden example of an employee that I am, I did not fight it one bit and two of three times didn't even "remember" to call in because "f-word" Wal-Mart, man... And that is all I will say about that. Shout out to my future employers who read this. No I don't actually hate Wal-Mart, that's such a strong word, but at times the management sucked- not to say that it's all their fault or isn't or that they should be fired or that some of them shouldn't be fired, just that I didn't have for the most part a tolerable time there.
So basically at one point in the week I was supposed to hang out with a girl I have basically been at least somewhat into since my sophomore year at high school and that didn't quite happen- and I guess probably for the better.
Quick side note: I apologize for having such a jagged way of getting this post across to all zero of you who read this but I have a very odd heart... I surely wouldn't call it love at first sight, but my heart is of the variety that within even the slightest connection or interaction with another, whether personally or from afar, it latches onto their face, smile, walk, way of being for long spans of time. It could be from hearing her disagree with somebody and be vocal about an opinion of theirs that cuts against the grain and is well-informed, or it could be in the vibes and vibrations I catch from hearing them laugh. It's not as simple as just looking good, there has to be some sort of thing about them that just instantly connects with me on an emotional level that I can't always quite pick out, and from there I'm done. And uh, to make this all relevant, that was exactly the case with this girl. It was as simple as overhearing a conversation she was having with some of her crew and I was set. I wouldn't say I liked her or was enamored, but more like... From that moment on I knew if there was ever a time that maybe such attractions would be reciprocated, I would seize the opportunity. And blah blah blah, that sorta happened
We were just supposed to watch a movie, but she wisely canceled due to worries that getting too involved would prove fatal to our future relations once distance made whatever thing we had going prior to this Wednesday impossible. And that of course sucked for a variety of reasons. For one, it wasn't quite a break-up, but if you've read the post that directly precedes this one, you'd know that whether I have or have not expressed such things to her physically, she really and truly means a lot to me and the timing of everything really just sucks. She's fostered lots of growth in me and reminded that the best is yet to come- though maybe not with her or even anyone I currently have a connection with which I guess kinda sorta counts as number two of things that suck about the ordeal. Three-ish, I spent a solid three hours cleaning my house and orchestrating a situation in which my family would be out of our hair... But I guess at least then my room was just as empty and quiet as my chest felt?
I kid, I kid. Actually "reason it sucked number four" is that I then had to sit there and realize just how unfeeling and messed up I still must be if her actually growing attached to me as a possibility at all was, in my eyes, completely unlikely and flew at me out of left field. As if to say that after every night she would tell me when she was going to leave, and every night that she pushed back that time by at least twenty minutes, it was all mere coincidence. "Wow, she's not very good at time management". "Oh man, my friends must be really cool"- those are actual thoughts that my mind seriously concocted. How dumb am I right? Good lord, man. I mean I don't mean to take away from my friends, they're dope even though one of them has a slight lazy eye, but I've really got some work to do (haha relax, still kidding).
So when I got the message that maybe we should stop and take a bit off, it at first felt a lot like a slap, but quickly felt more and more like a caring touch on the cheek. I really do understand. Probably more so than even she does about everything.
It would seem that lately I have been going into things assuming the absolute worst will come of them with much more possibility than is logical, but STILL doing them and I don't know why that is. I think that honestly, me taking her message to me and quickly firing back with lighthearted, easy-going talk about "take your time" and "oh don't worry about it" comes less from callousness, and rather from the fact that I accepted it before it ever got this far that she'd probably never be as into it as I was and (though I'd never let it be known) it would wreck me a bit... Er, a lot a bit. And that would just be that. So going forth with that always in the back of my mind, it hindered my ability to really feel everything with her and right when I began to, Wednesday came and caught me. Right before I could let myself fall. We still haven't really spoken since that day, but I'm sure it will be okay. Despite my angst toward the timing, which I've come to realize that honestly, though we sighed and blew off steam about it, I don't think I was the same person she's come to like then that I am now.
To confuse things in my mind and heart a little more, I got to see someone who things have been complicated with for some time (if you're reading this, sorry for all the angsty posts) and it was... Actually really great. She paid a visit to my friend's dance party and...It took two years, but I've looked forward to this day since the day we broke up and it finally came... I mean we actually spoke. And laughed together. She actually touched my arm to get my attention, looked me in the eye, and even let me hug her goodbye. It was so new and refreshing and... It just felt good. It's like she was finally seeing me again for the first time in a long time and was happy about it. A huge weight off of my shoulders... She said sweetly in my ear as we released from the hug "it was really good to see [me]", and with that I went home smiling so deep my cheeks ached.
Today was one of those days that the morning pondering and calm never really leaves, and the heart races despite the lack of stimuli, and I guess that is why I decided to write this.
So I'll close as always just by saying that life is complicated, and I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know where I'm going and I'm okay.
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