Coach _____ ,
I'm sorry, I just can not do this anymore. I thought I could because I always have this naive optimism with these sorts of things. This belief that I can always, and will always, be able to fix and repair relationships and bridges that have been burned... But not this time.
Back when this whole thing started, I felt incredibly alone for various reasons. Why? It's self explanatory. I was a freshman in a new world surrounded by new people who quite honestly couldn't care less about me, with a faulty marriage eating away at me from behind and uncertainty and fear of life's unpredictability ahead of me. Not to mention my phone and laptop were broken, so I had virtually little to no communication with any sort of friends or family who might've been able to help. But before that began to break me down, I found fulfillment and refuge in rugby. I didn't just shake feeling empty or alone, I truly found myself beginning to fall in love with Norman. To finally be able to call it home, with all these new unique, complicated and awesome blood brothers that I would eventually come to bleed, sweat, and break my body with over the course of the season. Brothers that I knew without even a shadow of a doubt would have my back because they knew I had their's, and truly invested in me as I invested in them. Because I'm a dreamer, call it "gay" if you want, I can't tell you how many times I'd catch myself day dreaming of that joy filled moment when the final whistle blows and we somehow, someway, through all the pain and suffering, sleepless nights and painful showers, biased refs and close calls, end up winning that D1A Championship. True underdogs through and through. I used to day dream about all the crazy road trips we'd have with the memories we'd gained just over the recent months. Or about the gatherings we'd have after just happy to be the unit that we were and live life together for however long we each had left at OU. But none of that matters anymore. I mean, I seriously spent 10 minutes praying for you and your family when your loved one passed recently and endlessly both in-between classes and in the late hours of night before bed...
I made the decision that just made the most sense for me, and I'm sorry. I really am.
But I am not sorry that I no longer can find within myself even the slightest sliver of emotion for my former teammates any longer... People I kept out of fights, talked up on the sidelines when they were down on themselves, invested myself in, defended against others, gave up time for, put myself troubles second for, turned on me. And here's the thing that gets me. Such a choice never even had to be made. It wasn't even on the table. But my old brothers made it that way, and chose this. As if we couldn't just have been peaceful and at the end of the day just been people who objectively made different, respectable choices... But alas...
And see, you may be feeling the same about us- the people who stayed with OU, and rightfully so. Like we betrayed you. But the thing is, and I'm only speaking for myself, that choice that was put before us was a big one. One much more complicated than simple loyalty or brotherhood. You have to understand that. Not a single day went by that I didn't have it pining away in the back of my mind and cluttering my thoughts. I really and truly had a massive fucking heart for any and everybody that was on that original team, But they made, beyond the larger decision, another that just didn't have to be made. I'm past being mad, or sad, or disappointed or anything at all anymore. Just empty. All my life I've had all the things that I do, and the pieces of myself that I invest in others be condemned as if they meant nothing. As if I meant nothing. And I just can't, for my own sake, let that be the case anymore. Very platonic-ally I wish you all the best, and good health.
Life doesn't always go to plan, bad things happen, and somethings are just beyond our control, but it never had to be like this.
Jon Lucas
I'm sorry, I just can not do this anymore. I thought I could because I always have this naive optimism with these sorts of things. This belief that I can always, and will always, be able to fix and repair relationships and bridges that have been burned... But not this time.
Back when this whole thing started, I felt incredibly alone for various reasons. Why? It's self explanatory. I was a freshman in a new world surrounded by new people who quite honestly couldn't care less about me, with a faulty marriage eating away at me from behind and uncertainty and fear of life's unpredictability ahead of me. Not to mention my phone and laptop were broken, so I had virtually little to no communication with any sort of friends or family who might've been able to help. But before that began to break me down, I found fulfillment and refuge in rugby. I didn't just shake feeling empty or alone, I truly found myself beginning to fall in love with Norman. To finally be able to call it home, with all these new unique, complicated and awesome blood brothers that I would eventually come to bleed, sweat, and break my body with over the course of the season. Brothers that I knew without even a shadow of a doubt would have my back because they knew I had their's, and truly invested in me as I invested in them. Because I'm a dreamer, call it "gay" if you want, I can't tell you how many times I'd catch myself day dreaming of that joy filled moment when the final whistle blows and we somehow, someway, through all the pain and suffering, sleepless nights and painful showers, biased refs and close calls, end up winning that D1A Championship. True underdogs through and through. I used to day dream about all the crazy road trips we'd have with the memories we'd gained just over the recent months. Or about the gatherings we'd have after just happy to be the unit that we were and live life together for however long we each had left at OU. But none of that matters anymore. I mean, I seriously spent 10 minutes praying for you and your family when your loved one passed recently and endlessly both in-between classes and in the late hours of night before bed...
I made the decision that just made the most sense for me, and I'm sorry. I really am.
But I am not sorry that I no longer can find within myself even the slightest sliver of emotion for my former teammates any longer... People I kept out of fights, talked up on the sidelines when they were down on themselves, invested myself in, defended against others, gave up time for, put myself troubles second for, turned on me. And here's the thing that gets me. Such a choice never even had to be made. It wasn't even on the table. But my old brothers made it that way, and chose this. As if we couldn't just have been peaceful and at the end of the day just been people who objectively made different, respectable choices... But alas...
And see, you may be feeling the same about us- the people who stayed with OU, and rightfully so. Like we betrayed you. But the thing is, and I'm only speaking for myself, that choice that was put before us was a big one. One much more complicated than simple loyalty or brotherhood. You have to understand that. Not a single day went by that I didn't have it pining away in the back of my mind and cluttering my thoughts. I really and truly had a massive fucking heart for any and everybody that was on that original team, But they made, beyond the larger decision, another that just didn't have to be made. I'm past being mad, or sad, or disappointed or anything at all anymore. Just empty. All my life I've had all the things that I do, and the pieces of myself that I invest in others be condemned as if they meant nothing. As if I meant nothing. And I just can't, for my own sake, let that be the case anymore. Very platonic-ally I wish you all the best, and good health.
Life doesn't always go to plan, bad things happen, and somethings are just beyond our control, but it never had to be like this.
Jon Lucas
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