More so this past summer than any other, whenever mentally trapped into myself I would take up my bike, or my little brother's before I repaired my own, and I would ride all my repressed trains of thought out into the wee small hours of the morning. It was always the same place, that nature reserve I feel like I've mentioned a few times too many already in this blog. Always breathless by the time I got home, having left myself just enough energy to down an ice cold drink and shuck off my sweaty clothes before crashing on my bedroom floor with the dutiful fan breathing down on me in great breadth.
For a majority of my life I'd always maintained a relatively detached stance with most people and things. Partially due to negative past experiences with involvement, and other times because I quite simply had no intention to do so. But in my final years of required schooling, I let my walls down and truly began to feel it all. Connections, relationships, the prospect of inevitable loss and so much more. It all came at me from varying angles and speeds. Some I could readily handle, and others I could not. This of course led to many more biking nights.
One night began rather self-destructively. I pedaled the absolute hardest I could for miles on end up hills, through bridges, across fields and down trails. I don't remember blinking or inhaling a single time. And with each branch that managed to elongate it's bony self out into my path and claw away at my skin, I pedaled harder. I just wanted to tucker myself out to forget it all. Physically tire myself out so much so that my mental ability to mull over all that had happened recently would be incompetent at best. But of course, after years of doing this, my mind had become quite acclimated. Realizing this, I found a stopping point and released the chains. And there came the emotion, right there, by a park-bench partially illuminated with speckles of moonlight through leaves and branches that hung heavy and low above it, bike placed neatly at its side.
All at once all the rage and frustration of my current losses and shortcomings atomized and compounded into hydrogen and salt and oxygen and ran coolly from the corners of my eyes. I could not sit. The pounding in my chest and the rigor of my blood flow would not allow it. I hopped up, headphones lodged deep into my ears playing tunes and melodies mellow and bittersweet.
We could have had it all. My head and heart, they said so.
I could see it then. Dating through college, despite distance and difficulty because quite honestly it was nothing we hadn't already handled back home. We were busy people, and I would occasionally need reassurance, but I would be strong through the separation and be nothing but smiles whenever one of us would visit the other. One time maybe coming to my dorm unbeknownst to her parents, and spends the night in my dorm wrapped in my arms blissfully uncomfortable. And we would be up for some time past my roommate despite his initial discomfort, and lay in the silence enjoying the syncopation of breaths. My chest inflating and what have you against her back. And we would spend the whole weekend together, though I'd of course not have anything actually planned because I'm terrible about that. And we would bicker a bit about it but ultimately find something to do with the friends I'd come to know and have a nice dinner in the cafeteria, recanting stories to each other and of course sharing embarrassing happenings about each other. Haughty at first, but of course content, smiling at each other from across the table... And having an apartment together out of college, simple small and cozy, like the nature of the affections we'd nurtured. And waking up early most mornings, or I guess early compared to her, and preparing coffee for her. Folgers with 2 tablespoons of french vanilla creamer and a spoon full of sugar ( one short of how much she always asks for because I know it's unhealthy ). And having it waiting for her in a plastic cup we'd bought in bulk at the grocery store a block or two down the street just the other night when we decided to walk. Because it felt good outside and what not. And throwing a bagel into the toaster set to give the bagel a slight crunch and lining the table with an assortment of spreads we'd likewise gotten the other night. And walking calmly back down the hall to our room whilst sipping my own cup of coffee. Then opening the door to find her still blissfully asleep, long hair spread across the pillow below her head and the covers that came up over her shoulders. Rays spilling through the blinds and across her body imprint beneath the covers. And I would walk over near her, set my coffee on the nightstand nearby and turn off the alarm only a minute away from going off, and I would give her a gentle nudge and she would awaken to the smell of coffee. And I'd watch the life pulse into those big eyes and feel the life pulse back into mine own. Only to then guide her through her dressing process so she could then join me in yet another pre-work breakfast, sun finding it's way across our small circular dark-wood and tall legged table and the plants she always tends to that line the window sill. And I'd catch myself staring at her and she'd ask me why I'm smiling, and I'd say I don't know, and she'd just smile and shake her head and finish her breakfast whilst listening to the TV across the room, rattling off weather forecast and the works confidently by itself...And the stormy rainy night after a long night at the office for the both of us. Both of us in our bedtime dress, her laying there in the quiet blue of the room, on the bed staring out the window as I am. Looking out through the gap in the dark curtains at the lighting and quarter-sized rain drops that pelted the windows. We loved when it rained. And after standing for some time, enjoying the relative silence as we both would tend to do. And I would turn to her, sit down beside her, and just look at her. And having met her eyes again, feel a smile begin to form on my face. And her shake her head and smile as she always did, and then meet me halfway as we kiss gentle and slow before finding our places in the curve of each other's bodies and slip into a deep sleep... And supporting her through her master's degree as I pursue my career, finding less time to interact with each other but making it count when we did. Never veering from our habitual nightly dinners together, no matter how late... And having kids before we planned, all slender and looking just like her. Having her large eyes and thick hair, but more like me in temperament, causing her to adore and "hate" them all the time just as much as she adored and "hated" me, yet loving us all unconditionally... And getting heated in my daughter's soccer games, being that I'm the coach, and having her tell me I'm being stupid, and crossing her arms at me. And the seemingly endless car ride back home as I get the earful, but not minding because I know I was wrong and I can't help but want to be all over her when she hits me with her well-practiced glares. And of course managing to get her to smile, shake her head and kiss me like we always seem to do... Even bringing home a puppy one day having absolutely had enough of all her complaints about missing having a dog around like she did in her younger years, and her calling me a total idiot because we were already fighting financially to make things work with our two goblin kids, but falling in love with the dog too fast to send the year old well-mannered mutt back to the trashy parking lot I found him at. Because she knows I'm a total dingus and never seem to "get it", but loves me anyway... And dropping the kids off at friends houses who offer us their baby sitting services to give us the gift of a date night, and me trying to go above and beyond as I always do but finding a way to mess it up like I likewise always do, and realizing that quite honestly we're perfectly happy just grabbing some ice cream and heading back to the apartment to watch Netflix and enjoy the calm. Not jump each other's bones or anything because we'd never been like that, but just absolutely savor every moment we have together as young parents. And falling asleep to the hum of the TV on the couch my in-laws donated to us, out of style but full of character... And... Well... Everything else. Working the gardens with her and letting her talk my ears off about the plants she wants to nurture and how she better not catch our dog digging up her potatoes and everything else. Just nodding and otherwise not listening, but loving every bit of hearing her get passionate about something. And having reading dates with each other while the kids are out... And writing letters to our kids in their lunch boxes in which I sign off with "Your Dad, The Dingus" in my imaginary future world... And...
It was after all this, thinking aloud, pacing back and forth materializing it all before me that I felt the tears come to a halt under the calm of night.
I don't know why I did this to myself. How I'd managed to rationalize giving her real-estate in the green of my heart I'd so vigilantly guarded and letting her truly make herself at home in my chest... But I did. Which I guess I should commend her for, because it was no easy task. I am almost 2 months into my college experience, and have spent over 6 months out of this particular relationship, and it still affects me in day to day interactions with people I meet. She should take pride in such things, because it only goes to show how much she matter(d/s) to me. A large part of me is glad that I let her because I was able to love for the first time and know what it is to give everything to someone and truly leave nothing to chance. To know what it's like to have someone thinking about me just as much as I think about them, and miss me. But another part of me of course hates that I was so quick to hand over such pieces of myself. Knowing full well what I had to lose far before I even fell in love with her, and how much more was at stake once I had, and soldiering on anyway.
But hey, that's life, right?
This isn't all to say that I'm not doing well right now. I am actually doing exceptionally well. Everything is just fine. And to be honest I don't really know why I felt the need to write about this. I just know that I felt like these things needed to be said. And that I shouldn't forget them. And in posting this I, now, most surely won't.
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