I hit a patch of homesickness a few days ago, and decided to go out for a walk. There were prior plans to study with friends before I decided to do so, but I just wasn't feeling it. So instead, I relieved myself a little with drafting a few posts ( something I do to make sure I don't forget to write about the things they disclose ) and then proceeded to take my backpack and pensively walk out toward my "oasis". I figured maybe it would be bright enough to read some Harry Potter on the bench once there. Or maybe do some free hand drawing. For the entirety of the hike I surveyed the campus around me as I have so many times already, looking for something to make me feel more at home. Something to find connection with and tie me down to the place other than a paper contract that says I'm paying for my stay, and found none.
Once seated at my bench, I realized id clearly put the place on a bit of a pedestal as there was no way I could read or draw there, but it was no big deal. In the end, the goal was to spend time alone and think like I always did back home, and either way that goal would be achieved.
Once there, I thought about everything.
My father was texting me at the time, and this is what I shared with him:
"Pops I'm going to be honest with you. Sometimes when I walk at night I smile at the idea that someone might jump me because then I'd finally have a reason to be mad and release my anger/bitterness. I'm realizing just how much I need to be alone. Like in every sense. I honestly think I might snap soon and either get into a fight or lose any sort of friend I have at the moment by saying something horrible. But it's weird because at the same time I do want to connect with someone. A girl or something. A real connection that matters. Get to know her and have her completely take me by surprise. Be different from the army of clones at this school who dress, walk, talk, and think the exact same as each other. I would love for someone to be able to sweep me off my feet and be a breath of fresh air like I worked so diligently to be for my past significant others and best friends. Or even just truly want to figure me out. Take the time to learn everything there is to learn about me and share conversation with me with no goal in mind- to share words for the simple sake of sharing words. It seems these people always seem to want something or have some point they're trying to make when they open their mouths... I think that one natural friendly connection would outweigh all of the others I've made... At every point in my life I've only had people say nice things about me after I've all but given up a kidney to be there for them and help them in times of need. Of course there are a few exceptions, but no one ever has truly made me feel like I'm profound or different or interesting or special in the slightest as stupid as that sounds. Or at least put in the time to tell me so and figure me out. And don't misread this, you know I'm no softy with these things. You've taught me better than that, but nonetheless these things add up... My coach gives me shit every day, my teammates are assholes, the few that I do like already have their friend groups and are older so I can't hang with them, nobody in my classes talks to me no matter how much effort I put into reaching out, not a single girl has expressed any interest in me, my captain just wants to get me laid, and no matter how hard I try I can't even connect with my own brothers or you or mom. And though I know it's not been easy, and I know you're not an expressive person and we've spoken about it, in the big picture I've never felt even amongst you guys that I'm "unique" or special. And it all just makes me bitter if not empty when I think about it. I'm sorry, I know you're trying and I'm not the easiest to work with, but I'm just letting you know where I'm at right now. Sometimes I scare myself. I would never harm myself or something, I think that's stupid. But I do fear what I might do to someone else if I snap one day.
This stays between us. Much love pops, see you soon."
Send.
As I finished this, a young couple came upon me. Quietly at first, but then with gusto. They were singing together, walking toward the fountain directly in front of my silent vigil, maybe ten yards away. She was the back-up and chorus singer, while he the lead, singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". Cuckoo'ing and clicking and harmonizing, they sang beautifully together as they twirled and danced atop the fountain. The kind of singing and twirling that young lovers do in the movies- where they giggle and trip and fall into the fountain, and for the moment the entirety of the guy's universe is defined by the curves of her body and confined to the variable distance between their singing voices. The short-haired woman's teeth and dimples caught light when silence finally befell that unlikely place. It was then that they noticed me. I made eye contact with each of them as they walked hand in hand back from whence they came, jolly and soaked...And for whatever reason, they stopped to speak with me.
They looked concerned and asked politely if I was alright.
"Yeah, don't worry I'm alright."
"Are you sure?" they asked.
"Yeah-no really, I'm fine, no need to worry. Thank you"
An uncomfortable but warm smile stretched itself, against my will, across my face obscured by shadow. It felt weird to have a stranger express such concern. The girl reached out to me, and placing a soft hand on my leg outstretched over the arm of the bench, whispered kindly,
"It will get better"
I really was okay. I meant it. I just needed my time alone, but something about them approaching me snapped me right out of it. Something about the warmth I felt from them, the tangible gentle joyfulness that pulsed outward from them left no room for melancholy. I always speak of what potential people have and how they can surprise you, and having lost sight of things really needed that reminder. I can't help but smile when I'm reminded time and time again that these kinds of people exist.
It will get better? It already has.
I walked back feeling much lighter than before, and creeping into my dorm bed, fell asleep on impact.
Thank you.
Once seated at my bench, I realized id clearly put the place on a bit of a pedestal as there was no way I could read or draw there, but it was no big deal. In the end, the goal was to spend time alone and think like I always did back home, and either way that goal would be achieved.
Once there, I thought about everything.
My father was texting me at the time, and this is what I shared with him:
"Pops I'm going to be honest with you. Sometimes when I walk at night I smile at the idea that someone might jump me because then I'd finally have a reason to be mad and release my anger/bitterness. I'm realizing just how much I need to be alone. Like in every sense. I honestly think I might snap soon and either get into a fight or lose any sort of friend I have at the moment by saying something horrible. But it's weird because at the same time I do want to connect with someone. A girl or something. A real connection that matters. Get to know her and have her completely take me by surprise. Be different from the army of clones at this school who dress, walk, talk, and think the exact same as each other. I would love for someone to be able to sweep me off my feet and be a breath of fresh air like I worked so diligently to be for my past significant others and best friends. Or even just truly want to figure me out. Take the time to learn everything there is to learn about me and share conversation with me with no goal in mind- to share words for the simple sake of sharing words. It seems these people always seem to want something or have some point they're trying to make when they open their mouths... I think that one natural friendly connection would outweigh all of the others I've made... At every point in my life I've only had people say nice things about me after I've all but given up a kidney to be there for them and help them in times of need. Of course there are a few exceptions, but no one ever has truly made me feel like I'm profound or different or interesting or special in the slightest as stupid as that sounds. Or at least put in the time to tell me so and figure me out. And don't misread this, you know I'm no softy with these things. You've taught me better than that, but nonetheless these things add up... My coach gives me shit every day, my teammates are assholes, the few that I do like already have their friend groups and are older so I can't hang with them, nobody in my classes talks to me no matter how much effort I put into reaching out, not a single girl has expressed any interest in me, my captain just wants to get me laid, and no matter how hard I try I can't even connect with my own brothers or you or mom. And though I know it's not been easy, and I know you're not an expressive person and we've spoken about it, in the big picture I've never felt even amongst you guys that I'm "unique" or special. And it all just makes me bitter if not empty when I think about it. I'm sorry, I know you're trying and I'm not the easiest to work with, but I'm just letting you know where I'm at right now. Sometimes I scare myself. I would never harm myself or something, I think that's stupid. But I do fear what I might do to someone else if I snap one day.
This stays between us. Much love pops, see you soon."
Send.
As I finished this, a young couple came upon me. Quietly at first, but then with gusto. They were singing together, walking toward the fountain directly in front of my silent vigil, maybe ten yards away. She was the back-up and chorus singer, while he the lead, singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". Cuckoo'ing and clicking and harmonizing, they sang beautifully together as they twirled and danced atop the fountain. The kind of singing and twirling that young lovers do in the movies- where they giggle and trip and fall into the fountain, and for the moment the entirety of the guy's universe is defined by the curves of her body and confined to the variable distance between their singing voices. The short-haired woman's teeth and dimples caught light when silence finally befell that unlikely place. It was then that they noticed me. I made eye contact with each of them as they walked hand in hand back from whence they came, jolly and soaked...And for whatever reason, they stopped to speak with me.
They looked concerned and asked politely if I was alright.
"Yeah, don't worry I'm alright."
"Are you sure?" they asked.
"Yeah-no really, I'm fine, no need to worry. Thank you"
An uncomfortable but warm smile stretched itself, against my will, across my face obscured by shadow. It felt weird to have a stranger express such concern. The girl reached out to me, and placing a soft hand on my leg outstretched over the arm of the bench, whispered kindly,
"It will get better"
I really was okay. I meant it. I just needed my time alone, but something about them approaching me snapped me right out of it. Something about the warmth I felt from them, the tangible gentle joyfulness that pulsed outward from them left no room for melancholy. I always speak of what potential people have and how they can surprise you, and having lost sight of things really needed that reminder. I can't help but smile when I'm reminded time and time again that these kinds of people exist.
It will get better? It already has.
I walked back feeling much lighter than before, and creeping into my dorm bed, fell asleep on impact.
Thank you.
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