Homecoming was the best night of my life for many, many reasons. I'm not going to go into all of the details, but basically emotions were high and the anticipation was killing me. At this point I was finally allowing myself to develop an attraction toward her, and it wasn't in vain.
.PNG)
Believe it or not I left out plenty of details because I realized at this point it was 2:30 am and Koa was dozing off on me, but having said all this I finally came down for good from the emotional high and met him at ground level again. And he seemed deeply perplexed. Which I guess is the right response though I came to find out I wasn't really looking for one. In a lot of ways, my intentions to offer perspective became more than anything an opportunity to finally selfishly share April and I's story which I'd come to love, no matter how bittersweet. A sort of outburst of excitement that I didn't have to repress it anymore. It was safe, both for myself and others then, to finally hear my own voice speak of its fun and grandeur.
Completely wowed by her when I showed up at her house to pick her up, and after chatting with her parents whom I'd already befriended, the night started off very well. Despite all the talks we'd had prior, and a few coffee dates we still found ourselves silent behind the hum of my car. I kept laughing to myself because I found it so amusing. This whole "developing relationship" thing. So insignificant and yet significant all at once. For most of the ride we remained quiet, but toward the end jokes were made and I did manage to formulate words past the insects fluttering inside me. A small victory. We ended up early to pictures, but we got time to talk and walk, so we did. And in this time I made sure to put on my gentlemen pants quite quickly, holding her hand as she crossed over bumpy paths and up stair steps. She was a bit clumsy after all. Pictures went over well, and I enjoyed it all. It was nice to see all of my friends looking well and happy.
Dinner went much like the car ride over to the scenic area- quiet, then somewhat lively. It was nice. I could see how uncomfortable she seemed to be, but I wasn't sure what exactly to do about it given I felt quite the same way. So, naturally, I left it as is. Wasn't too bad though because before long we left and headed off to yet another shopping center of sorts to kill more time and grab some ice cream. This wasn't the best decision of all, because it was rather cold, but I enjoyed the excuses I then gained to sit in close proximity to my date and try out this whole "I'm a guy showing you I like you" thing.
Finally we ended up at the dance, and though the music selection was not top tier, the fun was. I hopped right into things and melded right in to the craze, but April didn't find the setting so easy to settle into. So, to my own surprise, I took up her hands, and made it my mission from then on to show her a good time. Not like some kind of control freak, but like someone who cares and knows that when she lets loose she will surely enjoy herself. And well, once into things, she did. Sure I borderline danced for her, but hey. That's life. The only thing that was missing was a slow dance or two, but I didn't mind. I had plans to appropriate for that anyway. Check this though, during one song, April and I started our own crowd trend. I hate that I can no longer remember what song it was, but shoulder to shoulder we rocked and sang out the song loudly, completely against both of our natures, and before long 50+ others joined in on a large circle of bodies with upturned heads, singing to the balloon-smothered ceiling. Faces we knew and faces foreign, all belting out the song and singing together and the spotlight noticed quickly and shined on the two of us. It was insane.
Anyway, after the dance we all sort of split. April had mutual friends of mine that she wished to visit, and so we did. We ended up bowling, and during this time I got to see some of the raw sides of her. And it was entrancing. I found myself watching not out of creepiness of hopeless obsession, but intrigue. This April was not quite the same April I'd seen before, and it all came out in front of her closer friends and I liked it. It was so interesting to see these complexities of hers present themselves to me and only made me want that much more to figure her out.
A few hours later, 2 or 3 rounds in, April and I left for the plans I had made for us. See, I asked her ahead of time if she would be okay with me having an hour, just an hour, with her one on one to hangout. To which she surprisingly was cool with. Basically, at the far edges of my part of town, there was a small dock that poked out toward the middle of a little pond lit with a streetlight over a hill close behind and a fountain with small bulbs shining up through the fonts of water. And this was where I took her. Once there, the cold took hold quite quickly which once again worked to my advantage (though I never intended it to). Her shoes off, and my tie thrown in the back seat, I took her out to the dock, turned on a playlist of some of her favorite music and mine, Frank Sinatra, and slow danced with her lazy and soft for some time. Past the time I'd told her father, but we didn't care. Because, in that moment, in the words of Stephen Chbosky, we were infinite. Infinitely blissful. Infinitely tired. Infinitely new to the dating process, but very much enjoying where things were taking us. I remember asking for permission to hold her hand as I drove to drop her off some 30 minutes across town, and having the biggest smile on my face.
The following Wednesday I asked her to be my girlfriend in much the same way I asked her to Homecoming. We took a walk and at a scenic spot we sat down to talk. It's terribly embarrassing because I'm a total dweeb and opened with quotes from a book we both had read. Quotes about finding someone especial blah blah blah and from there asking her out. She said yes, and... Things were good. We spent some time looking at the stars in silence sprawled out on the golf course before I walked her back to her home, hand in hand.
From there we just had an exponential growth of attraction, or at least I did, with each hangout that occurred, be it concert venues or movie nights. And before long I, as far as I know, fell for this girl completely. This girl who I didn't even know existed the year before. The one I'd heard about but had no intention of meeting. The one who made me work for every bit of personal info I got out of her. The one I had to earn the respect of, and persistently pursue. And accept for who she was. And accept for who she wouldn't be. This girl who came from the other side of the tracks. A whole other world. One who I thoroughly, heartily, sometimes irritatingly and tiredly but none the less genuinely enjoyed. It was an adventure through and through. All the way to the end.
Now the importance of all this wasn't to paint myself as someone who knows it all about dating and allow myself to come back and tell Koa how to do this and that. Or change his mind. But, I think, to offer perspective. Because there was in some ways no reason we ever should have met, much less gone on dates and had a relationship, but regardless we did and the attractions etc that DEVELOPED made everything so much more exciting/rewarding. When you have to work for something, ie one's trust or time, you appreciate it that much more when it is given. You know, versus just having it all. Just clicking from the start and skipping past those precious awkward times. You know, the ones that make the bigger, more conversational moments monumental, if not somewhat sentimental. But I have to say...Though easier, I don't think I would ever choose it. Yes it was definitely a journey with some bumps, and it was difficult (and in the future it surely will continue to be with others), but I wouldn't trade the experience of developing a deep care for her/anyone in the future for the world.
Much like swinging, love/caring for people gets harder with age. When you're younger, it's as simple as sharing a crayon or tying another's shoe. And boom, love is shared. But when you're older, such ease is missed. Sought for. The seat seems to squeeze in all the wrong areas. It never seems to hold you the way you'd hoped it would, always readjusting. It feels more fragile now, and harder to manage than you remembered it. The chains creak under the weight of things, worn down and rusted over the years with life lessons and what have you. But you look at it with hope and excitement all the same. And though the creak of your body may synchronize with the creak of those chains, under all the discomfort, you still pick up your feet... You push back into possibility. You kick out into opportunity. And you just keep on swinging.
Comments
Post a Comment