Hindsight Is 30/20-ish

*sounds of pre-teens flirting and splashing in the pond*

You know what you have to do, don't you?

Yeah. At this point it's very apparent.

Mhmm.

Am I wrong for this?

Nope.

Shouldn't I feel worse than I do right now?

Eh... Nope.

Why?

Cause it's the right thing to do.

Is it?

Yep.

Ah..Well I mean... It is what it is, right?

Yep. It is what it is.

   The morning of the 25th of June, I put my money where my mouth was and went on a youth trip as a leader for middle school children...Which was interesting. They were at that perfect age of vulnerability; old enough and big enough to get themselves into sizable trouble, but not quite clever enough or big enough to get themselves out of it... Which is where I come in. Thank The Lord I had some of my awesome older leaders and a very close friend who likewise was leading. We kept each other sane. 

   One of the days while we were out there, the kids got a longer than normal serving of free time to enjoy, which in turn meant we leaders got a breather as well. So sitting out by the pond, my close friend and I had a nice long talk whilst adorned in speckles of sunlight and cool breezes. It was there that he asked me as I'd asked him, finally having the time to, how I'd been, and from there conversation unraveled. 

   Opening with the more or less "highlights" of my life, things stayed pretty surface level. Which quickly ran out, because I truly had something resting on my heart. 

   See, basically, while having the time of my life at camp, I'd decided, due to trials and internal tribulations I'd already been facing before camp, to walk into camp as a single, independent individual. In short, I had gotten over the last relationship, but hadn't quite "let go" of it just yet, if that makes sense. We had to give up our phones before getting off the bus, and with that I cast away all connections to people outside of the camp boundaries. Which included the girl I had been dating at the time, a sort of self-prescribed distance. And all this offered clairvoyance. And I had to accept some inherent truths about things, though I didn't want to- at first.

  In talking with my friend, it was made so much clearer how much I truly needed to just be alone. How much isolation offered, and how dearly I sought it. Through no fault of her own, being out of a relationship and allowing myself time to further develop a love for myself and the silence...it sounded like ice-cream on a hot summer's day. It didn't just sound good, it sounded too good to be true. It was like a vacation of sorts with a ticket whose cost I, prior to then, wasn't quite ready to pay. And there was nothing she could say or do to change my mind. Because I needed it. That's the difference between it being a "want" and a "need". I "needed" it because without it I'd go insane. Why?

  Because emotional inexperience trapped me in a position I'd made plans months prior to try to avoid. I should've known they would've fallen through. After all, as is common for my psychopathic nature, I set unrealistic long-term goals and expectations. But lo and behold, there I was. Basically, I tried my best in the beginning to make things clear that the baggage of my former relationship still hadn't quite sorted itself out yet. That it was still sitting in the closet of the house of my sanity, piled ceiling high. To the point that given the wrong nudge on the knob, or shudder of the floors, and it all would burst forth. Out and in the open all over again. That I wasn't sure how long it would take for me to empty out the bags of memories and emotions, and fold them up and place them in their rightful drawers while running others through the wash as necessary. But it became quite apparent to me such a concept wasn't relayed clearly. 

  With each time we hung out, emotions continued to rise. Reigns were lost and pace quickened all too quickly. Barreling down toward the point of no return, which was very much in sight. And I needed to stop it. Had to. The incremental increases on one end were not so apparent on the other end, and that isn't at all fair. It's a bomb you at all costs want to avoid dropping, because there is no telling what the shock-wave could hit. After all, the shock-wave of an explosion is always much larger, and sometimes even more damaging than the blast itself... It was the "right thing to do". 

  So the night I went to explain things to her was quite an odd one. Directly before arriving at her home, I'd not only gone out two-stepping with friends and having dinner subsequently, but also might I mention that it was one of the best nights I'd had in a very long time. I mean seriously. And my last girlfriend was even present. And it wasn't a problem per se. We talked and everything, and things flowed nicely. I even caught myself slipping a little with remembering why I'd taken so kindly to her so quickly, and felt that much more vividly the need for ironic isolation. Not to be with someone to get me through it, no. To handle things by myself (and with the peace God seems to offer me) as I always have. 

  I apologize for being so redundant with the being alone thing, but hopefully it just expresses the savage hunger with which I craved it. 

  Looking back, I know there are definite things I should not have said. The comments and questions were too loaded. And in the end damaging. As meticulous as I am in all that I do, I messed up some key details and hopefully she knows that I am truly sorry for it. But I of course can't change that now. And I won't punish myself for such things because looking back, hindsight is always "20/20". Or is it? I still haven't quite picked out where specifically I meddled things. With a mind like mine, I lose track of what really happened and what my mind wants to believe happened. Whats true, etc. So I guess for now it's more like 30/20.